I was told to post this here instead of r/relationships, so I'm going to give it a go. There I didn't get as much advice about how to deal with this issue, so I'm hoping I might get more of that here.Hey Reddit.So I know I'm probably going to get a lot of flack for this post, but honestly I'm kind of at the end of my tether here and I'm not sure where to go next.My wife and I had a beautiful son just under three months ago, and I could not be any happier than I am to be a father and to have him here. The problem is, my wife likes to chirp this phrase at me, "you knew when we had a baby you'd have to pick up the slack" and I think at this point it's just completely unfair. Before our son was born, we had a very equitable split of chores and duties around the house, and now I feel like instead of just adding the baby's chores to that pool and splitting it evenly from there, I end up doing everything that's not baby related, a lot of what is baby related, and have no time for anything but supporting my wife.For some background, we both work and have two dogs and we're the stereotypical "dog parent" kind of people. I love our dogs, but I feel like some of the care we could give them before the baby was born just isn't possible and my wife vehemently disagrees. This includes outings, hand prepped food once a day, multiple walks a day, individual training time, stuff like that, which I'd like to hire some help with (at least a dog walker) but my wife refuses. Even though she refuses, dog care has fallen almost completely to me now.A typical day starts with me getting up at six to feed the dogs and take them on a walk. I also prep their meals (the one handmade meal a day). I've asked my wife if we can at least give them dry/canned food until the baby is a bit older, but she feels like if you can't maintain the quality of your dog's life, then you shouldn't have them at all. I let them out, check on my son, tend to anything he needs. My son won't take a bottle from me yet, so my wife at this point gets up and feeds him and I get ready for work. I then watch him and play with the dogs while she gets ready, and then her mother comes to watch our son. I have to leave earlier than her, but her mother is usually there by the time I have to leave so she gets to have low-stress time with him. I get home about two to three hours before my wife, so I get home, tend to him, walk the dogs before her mom leaves, play with him, feed the dogs, do some training with the dogs, and then my wife gets home, feeds him, spends some time with the dogs as I bathe our son, get him ready for bed, and try to make us something to eat while she spends more time with him. I watch him while she showers and de-stresses, another feeding, and while he's feeding I get my own shower. Then I do most of the cleaning the house needs since she has specifically asked her mother to not tidy too much as she feels it's our responsibility to keep the house clean. When I ask her to help me clean up, she usually says she's too tired or she just wants to spend time with our son. That's fine with me, but even on the weekends when we have equal time with him, I still end up doing almost all of the cleaning and cooking. Any time I've asked to go do my own thing for a few hours (something she does during the weekend at least for 2 hours at a time), she accuses me of not wanting to be an involved father and reminds me that my days of video games and hanging out with my friends are over for at least a few years. Totally depressing when she's seen her friends without the baby at least once a month since our son was born.Some of the reasons I can't talk to her about this:Any time I bring it up, she just reminds me that I agreed that I would pick up some of the slack that she leaves from child rearing, but I feel like I'm picking up the slack, and her load and my own.My wife believes that since her mother is the one who contributes to our childcare, that it counts as her contribution as well which I think is completely unfair.My wife has to get up for all night feedings, and even though I get up to make sure my son doesn't need something other than feeding in the middle of the night (as in, I'm the first to get up, check on him, run through the list, and then if he needs feeding then I wake her up if it's outside of the feeding schedule), she feels like she's getting less sleep in the night and never gets up for the dogs in the morning but also insists that they still need to be fed at 6 am every day as they used to before the baby even though I think we could feed them closer to when we need to leave.My wife feels like just her body producing milk is more tiring and stressful than I can possibly know, so it's not fair for me to compare my childcare contributions to her feeding our kid. This is a fair point, I guess, but it's not like I can produce milk for him so what am I supposed to do about this? I do most of the changing, bathing, playing, and other minding outside of feeding.My wife feels like she should have more time to herself than I get because her mother does the childcare to allow her to do this when I don't have someone to relieve me in a similar manner.My wife hasn't shown any ppd symptoms and still regularly sees her doctor and therapist from before the baby to make sure. Clean bill of health from both of them.My wife is usually so reasonable and such a thoughtful person that I don't even know who this person is that I'm married to. I feel like it's so unfair, but maybe I'm just in the wrong about it and I do need to be picking up some slack. I feel like my wife read some articles about men who don't do enough once their kids are born and is just being hyper vigilant about it with me, but I've been pulling my weight and I'm HAPPY to be doing it. I love my son. A little help?TLDR: My wife thinks I need to pick up her slack during the first few months of our baby, it's not possible but she doesn't want me to get extra help. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2pHFGr4
No comments:
Post a Comment