I'm not sure if I am in the right subreddit for this question, but here goes. This is a long story, which needs some context, so bear with me. I'm a parent myself, however this question is in relation to a relative of mine (my niece), let's just call her Mandy. I will start from when Mandy had her first child which was around eight years ago. She was with the father of her first child for a few years out of high school.She had become pregnant previous to her first child, however due to them both being so young, she had an abortion, a mutual decision. After this they started to drift apart and separated, however before they separated, she had become pregnant again, this time she decided to keep the baby.My first concern with Mandy’s behaviour started around this time, my sister told me in confidence a conversation she witnessed between Mandy and her mother about the pregnancy, Mandy had stated “this will teach him” in relation to her being pregnant and them breaking up and Mandy’s mother was in agreement, they were joking about how a baby would be a burden on her ex, not thinking about the reality of being a solo parent. Mandy had quite an obsessive nature towards this guy, stalking him, his friends, family, new girlfriends etc. and doing odd things like keying his car etc.My sister begun to believe Mandy had had her first child to spite her ex, as a way to make him pay, I also started to believe this, but I also thought she may have had the child as a way to lure her ex back in (this did not happen). I believe Mandy’s upbringing had something to do with her attitude, Mandy’s mother had become quite ill with an incurable disease in her later years, but before this her mother was a model, and could be quite a nasty person. She had lost numerous family and friends over the years, and now that her illness was taking a toll, no one really wanted to know her, because of her previous attitude.Mandy’s mother also had a very grandiose attitude and this definitely rubbed off on Mandy, she wasn’t the best of mothers either, running around after different men, taking Mandy on stalking trips as a child, not enough food in the house, always moving house. Lucky for them, my mother (who had five children herself), was very much involved in her grandchildren’s lives and would help Mandy’s mother out as much as possible, with money, food, my mother even bought a property, just so they could live in it and stop moving around every six months/year or so (because of money issues).Around a year after Mandy had her first child, she was made sole caregiver of her mother, who was now coming into the final stages of her illness. My sister believes Mandy took on the job, not out of love for her mother, but because she was being paid to do it. My sister (who was the closest to Mandy ‘s mother) said to me numerous times that Mandy’s mother was not being taken care of properly by Mandy i.e. not being washed properly, sometimes not for days, not being cooked for, bedding and clothing not changed, hair not brushed, and sometimes Mandy wouldn’t even show up etc.Around the time Mandy’s child was four, Mandy had a new partner and everything seemed to be going well, he was a genuinely nice guy, level headed etc. However not long after Mandy’s mother passed away alone in hospital, and even though I did not really like her, I always felt quite sad that she was alone during her final moments. This of course took a toll on Mandy and she became depressed, I believe she was not only depressed over her mother’s death, but also over her own guilt of not really being there for her mother, when she needed it the most.About a year after the death of her mother, Mandy became pregnant with her second child, and had her child later on that year. After the birth of her child Mandy apparently had postnatal depression, however all was not bad, Mandy and her partner were talking of marriage and making arrangements. Mandy had been given a payout of her mother’s life insurance which she spent frivolously, basically ending up in a lot of debt that she could not pay, also car payments and a mortgage to boot.Mandy and her partner eventually separated, however he stayed in the house in a separate room. Her now ex-partner has told me Mandy’s depression got worse and he was worried about her mental state. He said she was sleeping most of the day, that the day-to-day routine was not being done and the children were being somewhat neglected. He didn’t know what to do because he was working fulltime, to pay off the mortgage and other debts. I must admit I was also worried, as the children were now starting to look neglected, just like Mandy’s mother, oily hair that was not brushed, dirty faces and hands, dirty clothing, always hungry and thirsty etc. Not only that but they had two dogs, which were also being neglected.My sister spoke to Mandy about what was going on (my sister would have done anything to help), but Mandy basically blocked my sister out of her life, didn’t return calls, etc. etc. Awhile after this took place Mandy had (what the court says) a “mental breakdown” her ex-partner took her to a psychiatric hospital to get checked over and a few days later she was released. She sent her ex-partner a message stating that “she could not be a mother anymore” and she did not return home for some time. Her ex-partner got an interim parenting order against Mandy, which he was granted; it basically states that she is unfit to be a parent at this time, because of depression and mental instability.Once Mandy found this out she was furious, and she fought the decision, however her ex was given full rights. Mandy now claims she didn’t mean what she said about not being a parent and that she loves her children, however I find it hard to believe that she wants to be a parent for a number of reasons. She basically lost out on the parenting order because she met someone in the psychiatric hospital that she now claims she loves.She basically chose this guy over her children, as the lawyers gave her numerous chances to leave this guy, and she would have more contact with her children, but she refused, saying things like “but I love him” and “How my love life is any of your business?” The reason why the lawyers were so concerned was because the guy was not allowed to see his own children, due to domestic abuse, and because he was a literal junky. But she kept laying all the blame on everything and everyone else. Basically she is not taking responsibility for her own actions.Now I do believe she had depression, but I do not believe it was severe. It’s hard to say this, but I think she was somewhat faking a lot of the hardship she claimed she went through, only based on her past attitudes. Now (like her mother) she has lost the support of almost all her family, the majority of her friends. I was told by the court that Mandy and her ex had agreed that my place would be a neutral location of visitation between Mandy and her children, twice a week, of which I agreed.However I have noticed Mandy doesn’t really do anything with them while they are here. The youngest child she seems to smother and the oldest child she seems to ignore, however both are really ignored. She sits them down in front of the T.V. gives them crap food, and is either on her phone on Facebook or outside smoking. Basically out of say a four hour period with the children, she’ll spend about an hour and a half doing anything with them. Most weeks she even finds excuses as to why she may not be able to take them for one of the days…or both. I have told her if she wants to go out with them I am more than willing to go too (as she is not allowed to be alone with them, except to pick up and drop off), and she has said things like “okay cool thanks” but we have not gone out once.I try and do things with the children to keep them entertained, drawing, reading, games, going to the park etc. but the thing is, it’s not supposed to be my time with them; it’s supposed to be her time with them. There are always numerous excuses as to why she can’t parent properly, cash, tiredness, depression, her ex, her family support, her friends, her new partner (who’s now in prison) etc. But she never really looks at herself. Now she has exhausted all of her options in terms of living arrangements (as she is not allowed back home), so now she’s here living with me! She has been given almost a year now to get her life sorted, get a house, stable environment for the children, be more actively involved with their lives etc. she’s only got till February next year to get it all done, and she’s only now starting to make plans, it’s almost as if she thinks I am going to do it for her.From what I can tell she doesn’t really want to be a full time parent, she just doesn’t seem to want to be around them, and I have tried to be as unbiased as possible. I do really love her and I am very concerned that she will lose her children forever if she doesn’t get sorted, but she doesn’t seem to realize how important this all is, almost as if she doesn’t really care.I would really like some advice on how to help her see how important this is, and also I would like some opinions on whether she even wants to be a mother at all, I am trying to avoid being cut out of her life (as she did with my sister), but the tension is starting to grow and I don’t want to blow. Please any help any of you can give would be appreciated.Thanks. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2fQoA5J
