First off, let me acknowledge that this post is mostly for therapeutic purposes. I do apologize that it feels rambling or self-indulgent. I also realize this might not be the right place for this post. If so, please let me know.I am very young. I have been raising my half-brother since he was 11 and I was 19. I had just finished my sophomore year in college and he was in 6th grade when he came to live with me. I did not live with my brother more than a couple of years altogether throughout our childhoods. However, we both came from fairly abusive/severely neglectful childhoods. I have not lived with my parents since I was 15 and so I don’t have a very good example of what healthy, successful parenting looks like. I also have had absolutely no family support since I was 16 or so (emotional, financial, or otherwise).Long story short: my father was homeless, unsafe, and not able to take of my brother. I attempted to take in both my dad and my brother and take care of them, but my dad had a bad comedown shortly before moving in and reminded me why I could not live with him. So, I began raising my brother with the help of my wonderful (now) husband.I’ll admit - this whole thing has been very difficult from the start. My husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) and I had only been dating for about a year and a half before he moved in to help me raise my brother. I was also studying in an honors program at school and we both had to work full time to be able to keep up with the added financial burden of suddenly raising a child. So, I had to juggle being a full-time student, working full-time, raising a child, and attempting to make a new relationship work all in a very stressful environment.Despite managing some anxiety and depression, I think I actually did pretty well during that time. I was present at all of my brother’s football games, helped him with his homework, was involved in the PTA, knew all of his friends, made dinner every night, I was present on the weekends, and we spent all the time together we could. I think I spoiled him and maybe did not have the best boundaries and never set myself up to be a very authoritative caregiver but he was a good kid, never got in trouble, and other than struggling in school - he gave me no concerns.Things seemed to have changed once I graduated college and he started high school in 2015. During this time, my brother started to pull away from me. He went through a minor bout of depression which I got him therapy for but our relationship, while not negative by any means, started to feel flat. During this time, I started working full-time as a mental health professional with youth and families in the foster care and juvenile justice systems. I spend all day working to help youth process their trauma and access coping and independent living skills. I also coach caregivers and families on how to improve their relationships with their youth and manage their behaviors. So, to feel unsuccessful as a parent honestly feels a little embarrassing for me.This job often has unpredictable hours due to managing crisis situations and an hour long commute each way and truthfully, during the week, I often do not have the time or energy to spend with him as much I would like. But I do work hard to always there when he needs me. I answer my phone every time he calls, I show up to his school events when he wants me to, I go to every football game, etc. However, over the last 3 years, I feel like I’ve grown to play less and less of an active role as I once did in his life. He plays football, got a job, got a car, a steady girlfriend, started smoking weed, and started playing video games. This honestly, takes up 90% of his time.He is 17 now and turning 18 in two weeks. For the last year and a half or so, most nights, I don’t see him other than a 2 minute check-in about his day while he plays video games. I don’t cook him dinner anymore and instead, I simply ensure he has the tools to manage that on his own (even though he usually just eats junk). I don’t hound him to do his homework like I used to and instead attempt to give him gentle reminders. I figure he needs to find that motivation on his own. However, I always offer to help him out and tell him now that he is older, the expectation is that he comes to me if he needs me. However, he rarely does. Most nights, he locks himself in his room, smokes weed when I’m not home to catch him, and plays video games. His grades are horrendous (although they always have been) and I’ve attempted to help him understand my concerns, he doesn’t seem to care. I’ve attempted to get him a tutor but he blew him off. He once was driven to go to college, but now I don’t think he’ll have the grades for it. Again, he doesn’t seem to care.After about a year and a half this pattern, I finally instilled weekly dinner nights together. He does not seem to mind although they do feel awkward and I realize I don't really know how to connect with him like I used to. I feel embarrassed that it’s taken me so long to do this despite encouraging my families to do it all the time. But, I am hopeful our relationship will continue to get better. I just feel awful about this last year and a half of little/no engagement with him.Often, I feel like I’ve failed as his caregiver. I feel like a fraud when I help other parents improve their relationship with their teenagers but can’t seem to manage it on my own. Sometimes, I am able to remind myself that this isolation from caregivers is very common for teens of his age (even healthy, well-adjusted teens) and honestly, his behaviors are 1/10th of what I see in my clients. Truthfully, despite his grades and smoking weed, he’s been doing okay for himself. He’s held down a job, bought himself a car, can manage to cook and take of himself on his own, has a great group of friends, had never been in trouble, is a committed and serious athlete, etc. For the most part, he seems pretty happy, he never acts out, is always respectful, and has some great independent living skills. Even if he does not have the grades to go to a four year college right off the bat, he can still go to a community college and transfer if he chooses. Just because he has poor grades, does not mean he will be a failure.Once in a while, I am even able to have some understanding for myself that I was thrown into a role that I was not prepared for at a young age, with no true example of a healthy parent growing up, and it makes sense that I might struggle with that. And I honestly have no doubt that he is better off in my care than in the care of his parents. I do not think him moving in with me was a mistake. However, I just feel like I could have done so much better for him. I could have been more structured, I could have been more involved, I could have been more proactive. I also can’t help but wonder if my work hours make him feel neglected though he says they don’t. I always make sure he knows I am there for him and have always been supportive when he comes to me. I also can’t help but to wonder if he began to feel jealous of my ability to spend my entire day with other kids to help them with their struggles now and not with him anymore. Again, something he denies.The questions I always pose to myself are these:Is this level of isolation/non-involvement of caregivers natural?Have I failed him by not being more punitive/structured? Especially around his grades? He is set to graduate high school, but he’s had to retake many classes and will likely graduate with a 2.0 or so.Am I a hypocrite for doing the work I do while struggling so much myself? Is it fair to my brother? via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2Azknha
