It's mobile. Blah blah misspelling words, sorry, blah blah. Back story, I'm a hoe. Or so I've been told many many times. I have 3 "baby daddies" and 3 amazing kids. Guess I'm a hoe. Let's just say that i never tried to be anything but a good person. That's my take on it. I've gone through hell and back for my kids. But it is never enough. I suffer from bipolar. I take antidepressants. And lately also, adderall. So i can function and keep up with social media parenting. It's a joke. Im just trying to be a good mom constantly and it never seems to be enough.Last couple couple weeks, I've been fighting with my 2 yr olds dad. I can't afford daycare anymore. Im trying to start a business that is not taking off very well. Regardless, he is constantly telling me how worthless i am, how i drag him down to be nothing like i am, he can't turn a hoe into a house wife, a slut, and he talks about my 12 yr old son like he's a worthless pos as well. Idk why i let it get to me. But i do.It don't matter what i do or say or sacrifice for my kids, the dads are constantly putting me down and telling me im a bad parent. It hurts more than words can describe. It's honestly the worst thing someone could say to me. I know im not the best parent, but i try...i try real freaking hard. I don't abuse or neglect, or drink or smoke anything besides cigarettes outside, i always try to keep food in the house even if it's not a home cooked meal. Lots of hamburger helper or breakfast for dinner meals.I try to work. But no employer cares about my sick kids, or my suicidal son and his therapy appts 2x a week. No one cares that my daughter is in competitive cheer and has anxiety. Or that my 2 yr old gets sick every other week. I try to keep a job, but so far, it's a damn joke. I work for an auction company that used to work me 2 or 3 times a week. Now it's more like twice a month. Im trying to start my own painting business but it's very slow going.Bottom line, i have a 2 yr old in daycare every day and it cost me $120 a week. I usually would pay for 2 weeks once i got paid, her dad pays for 2 weeks, and so on.Here's the problem. I've been trying to raise my kids the best i can, regardless of my bipolar. I can't break down cuz the dad's will try to take my kids away if they see even the slightest malfunction. There is no history of malfunction, just me trying to keep up and remember everything with every kid and they all have different schedules, plus my house is starting to turn into a hoarding house, i am barely working, i can't afford anything, but i seem to be relied on the most. All the while im getting so much crap from the other parent that I'm starting to doubt myself.I feel lost, out of control, beat down, and a complete failure. Im so behind on bills that im about to be evicted for the first time in my life, electric and water is about to be disconnected, and I'm having to deal with constant verbal abuse. Im done. I am at the point of giving up my kids to their dads, even tho i feel it's not the best decision. I can't ask for any slack from them cuz then im showing weakness, they all threaten court, although i know the courts favor coparenting. Im trying so hard. Im trying to be a good mom. I'm trying to be responsible.I honestly feel like i could give them up and everyone would think it's a good idea. The problem is that if i don't have my kids, i will die. I know i will kill myself. But a parent has to make the tough decisions so their kids will be the best they can. I know my kids well be better with anyone else than me. I know they will succeed if i let them go. But i don't want to die. And i can't let go of the fact that im so dang selfish that i gotta cling to them and bring them down just so i can hold onto life.They are better off without me. They are amazing kids. Im holding them back. They should be with people that bring them into successful and mature adults. I only hinder them. So i think i will stop being selfish and let them flourish. Even if it means that i will wilt into nothing. And i hope i do. Cuz i can't take the thought of not having them. I'd rather be a fertilizer than an invading weed in their lives. It's a very hard truth, but an honest truth.Thanks for listening parents. I hope no one is ever in my shoes. Sorry for the long rant. I just hope someone will understand, and maybe learn from my mistakes. Bipolar doesn't go away. And it don't get better. Sometimes it's easier, sometimes it takes over. I just hope my kids will understand one day why i couldn't live anymore. I hope they will know that a person cannot live without their heart or soul. And they were every single bit of my life. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2yoYOxN
