My 12 year old is not very good at washing and brushing her hair. She tries her best, it still looks greasy and messy, and negative commentary has affected her self esteem. How can I help her learn to do a more thorough job?

My 12 year old has very thick, wavy, and absorbant hair. Before age 11 it was always waist length so I helped her maintain it. I took a tandem approach to "doing" and "teaching" so in the bath I would verbally instruct how to wash it, then I would do a followup wash for good measure. Same for brushing, have her brush, then I do a followup brushing. I figured it was teaching her muscle memory and tactile familiarity, and the ability to do a good job would come later with practice while I helped pick up the slack in the meantime.So when she turned 12, and she wanted a shoulder length cut, and switched from baths to showers, it seemed a good time to stop the tandem washing/brushing, and just let her handle it in full.I continued to give verbal directions based on my experience with her tricky hair; remember to use a glob this size, make sure to get the shampoo in all areas of the scalp, top, sides etc. Remember to brush the cowlick down, remember to brush several times over until it feels smooth, blah blah blah.For months I could see that she was always trying her best, following directions, but it was still always looking halfwashed and halfbrushed, kinda greasy, kinda smushed. I just kind of let it go cause I felt it was more important for her to have that independent responsibility than it was for her to have perfect hair.However during one particularly emotional night, she was tearfully listing a bunch of things she hates about herself (don't worry she's recently started biweekly therapy for anxiety and depression) so after listing her personal and academic perceived-failures, she added "and I never look good because my hair is always a mess" and covered her face in tears. I guess people have asked her if she even brushes her hair after she has already brushed it?I comforted her as best I could and reminded her that she's gorgeous. Then I asked her if she wants me to continue helping wash and brush it (in addition to bringing up these feelings in the next therapy session) and she tearfully nodded her head yes.So for a few weeks now I've been back to washing her hair and brushing it for her. She's happier with how her hair looks, and I like how it looks after a more thorough washing and brushing too, but....What else can we do? My verbal directions were only producing mediocre results so I'm not really sure how to teach a more thorough job. She's 12 and taller than me so I feel a bit hung up on feeling like she's "too old" for mom to do these things but her self esteem in her appearance is important too.Help???Thank you in advance. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2sQUZBB