A difficult situation - never wanted kids

I'm coming to this forum because I don't know what to do with my life, so maybe someone can help:I have two boys (4.5 & 3) with my ex-wife, and the bottom line is I never wanted them. I felt backed into a corner into having my first one (long story), and I didn't have any say over the second (begged for abortion, she said no). I have always been deeply uncomfortable with being a father, and since my oldest was very difficult for the first year, and because of my ex's work situation I was left along with him very frequently, I was left traumatized by being around kids. I never really liked kids, but now I actively avoid them. My reaction to people announcing they are having kids is one of horror, not celebration. I feel deeply ashamed of all of this, and I do my best to keep it to myself.Despite these challenges and misgivings, I work hard to be a good father, and have joint custody of my boys and have them roughly half the time. I do my best with them, but I know I'm not the best father. They annoy me frequently, and I check out too often. I'm surrounded my friends who have young kids who love playing and interacting with their children, building lasting memories with them and strong bonds. I don't feel any of that. I'm not driven to do any of it. I have to really work at playing and interacting with them and it's a struggle everyday.Still, I understand that none of this is the kids' fault. They didn't ask to be here, and it's my duty to help raise them to be honorable men, and of course I don't mistreat them in any way. Yet it's a burden that is just so heavy. I'm miserable all the time, and it impacts my relationships. I've lost many friends because my gloom and disappointment and shame regarding this situation has consumed my life. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think myself and they would be better off if I just let their mother raise them, but when I think about that I'm consumed by guilt and yet again more shame. Plus when I'm away from them for too long I genuinely miss them. Further, the research is clear that children with two involved and loving parents have better long-term outcomes.I realize I'm venting at this point, but I don't know what to do. I though things would get better after the divorce, or when they got older, but if anything that's made things worse.Help. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2zINxXz