Allow me to preface with - I’m not sure what my intent with this is yet. To vent is a good reason but I’m always up for advice from someone with more well worn shoes. I’ve been with my wife for five years, four married, and the last year with a kid. When I first met her she was a family woman with dreams of duplicating that family life with kids of her own. She’s loving, kind, and amazing in every way. I remember her expressing, at the beginning of our relationship mind you, that she wanted 3-4 kids. The idea of a lively bustling house was an attractive one for her and I actually had to compromise my own ideas of what I wanted in a family life to accommodate her.Then we had our first kid.Her already low self esteem seemed to plummet beyond what I thought possible. She had severe PPD up until 6 months where she truly was a different person all together. I know it’s over, at least the peak of it, because she truly was a stranger and things have now settled from those times. Even now though (he’s 16 months) she says she hates herself and her life and wishes she hadn’t had him. At the start of all this I had the better paying job. When our son was born I gave it up to be at home with him because she said she couldn’t do it. She was working again within the week. I’ve been able to stay home with him the last year and a half just about, working from home when I can. Since then she’s been in her head and I’ve been what I feel like is a single dad. What should be 100% her and 100% me in trying to raise a kid is more like 175% me 25% her. She doesn’t do anything to help. Doesn’t engage in anything with the kid besides playing with him here and there after work. After having him she says she is changed in ways she can’t fix and doesn’t want anymore kids. It’s soul crushing in a way. Since having him the want for more for me has only increased and I know our son would benefit from a sibling. I wouldn’t dare ask for a second though. I don’t know that I’d want her to go through it all again with the way the first has gone. Our relationship is strained because it’s not a family. Its like me trying to live two lives - one with my son and one with my wife. We could be having so much fun, the three of us, and things could be so much better. At times I’m having to defend him. Like today she yelled at him for having a runny nose.... he’s been sick for the last few days. He can’t even talk yet and she’s telling him not to have a runny nose. Just little stuff like that. I know she loves him and I know this is all stuff she’s struggling to get through and come to terms with but it’s hard on me. I’m up at 3 am right now, not because of the baby because he’s fast asleep, but because of the stress that’s been keeping me up. Some nights he will sleep all the way through but I’ll still wake up for hours at a time. I have developed panic attacks that I went to the ER for thinking it a heart attack just last week. Maybe she’s just not a toddler mom.. maybe when he’s older it’ll feel more like a family. I don’t know. We’ve planned trips this next year with him to continue to “live life” and get him used to new places. As two people who valued travel before a kid it may help. I really don’t think it’s a “live life” issue though I think it’s something else. How can I help her? I don’t mind putting in the work to put the pieces back together. She’s a great, wonderful wife in many ways. She’s even a loving and fun mom, she’s just got her moments. The last five years have been the best of my life but I miss my wife. I know she is trying and feels bad that things are the way that they are. She’s said this week that she’s lost, that she’s lost herself and lost in life. I feel like atlas trying to manage everything, but I can only handle so much by myself. I know some would say therapy, or a doctors visit, but she refuses. Some may even say suck it up and grind through it and that it’ll get better. Like I said, I don’t know quite the motivation behind this post. Thanks for listening either way. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2C1bKPb
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