I'm a single mom. I have two sons - S9 and S6.Background: S9 is edging on teenager attitude most days. He reminds me a lot of me as a child: insightful, intelligent, and completely aware of everyone's buttons and just how to push them. He's also rude, disrespectful, and selfish (he IS 9, so cognitively, that's normal).My mother was/is a classic, textbook narcissist with untreated bipolar disorder. She was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive and physically and emotionally neglectful growing up. I essentially raised my siblings and when I got out, I GOT OUT. I put myself through college, and I have sought the help of a therapist for fifteen years now to work through the upbringing I had because when I became a mother, I decided I wouldn't be THAT mother. The one I had. Most of it is unpacked and laid to rest.How IFU: This morning, S9 and S6 were up and watching TV while I was getting ready. The rule of the house is get dressed, eat breakfast, be ready to walk out the door, and THEN you can turn on the TV. The last few days, S9 has been trying to push boundaries and he had an "I will do what I want when I want how I want attitude and you can kiss my ass." (That's not his words; that's his attitude.) After requested more than once that they turn off the TV, eat their breakfast, and get ready, I finally turned the TV off and took the remotes. S9 started yelling and screaming at me how I'm a terrible mother, how I can't do that to him, I have no right to be so mean. This has been going on for DAYS with him, and up until this point, I remind him we live with respect in our house and I will not be talked to that way. I tell him, "You're grounded from the television until you can make better decisions." He said, "Whatever," and picked up his phone, which I (gently) took away from him and said, "No. You need to get ready because I have a 9 a.m. meeting, and we need to GO." This turned into snarky comments under his breath and things like, "My stepmother is better than you," and stuff like that.Y'all. I lost it on him. I legit told him to get in the fucking car, shut his fucking mouth, and leave me alone so I could calm down. I lost my temper. And as we were driving away, he muttered something inaudible under his breath that was snarky as FUCK (the exact words I cannot recall), and I saw red. I jerked the car (overreaction on my part, I know) into a nearby parking lot, got out of the car, made him get out of the car, and I yelled at him in his face. I told him, "You know what? My mother would have beaten me by now for the attitude you've got. She would have beaten me and given me the silent treatment days ago. I am trying to be a patient mother. I am trying to be a good mother. I am TRYING to keep my temper calm, but I am DONE. You want a mean mom? You want a mom who is all the things you say I am? Good. You've got her. You're grounded for a week. No pool, no electronics, no TV, and you can stay in your room."I made him get back in the car at that point, checked on S6 who was crying (he's never seen me so mad). We drove away in silence.About halfway to work, I realize S9 is crying in the backseat. I ask him if he wants to talk about it. I had calmed down at that point.He explains to me he doesn't know WHY he's so mean to me, he just IS. And he explained his friends at the school they just left (we're moving them schools for the first time this year) would help him work through his anger, but he didn't have any new friends to talk to about how he was feeling. He said he was feeling lonely, and sad all the time, and he can't talk to anyone but me about it. And now, I'm going to be a mean mom, which means he's lost me too.FUCK ME. I fucked up. OMG I fucked up so bad. When we got to the day camp, I pulled him out of the car and reiterated that no matter what he does, no matter how mean or snarky or rude he gets, I will always love him. I told him his words have consequences, and sometimes those consequences are mom loses her cool. I apologized for being so ugly this morning and for losing my temper. Our three-way rule is do everything with compassion, love, and respect. And I wasn't very respectful, compassionate, or loving. He apologized for pushing my buttons and we both agreed to work on it together. I gave him suggestions for making new friends (like, he's really good at telling jokes - I suggested he try a few on the day camp kids today).I'll be sure to mention this all to his therapist this afternoon (he sees a therapist once per week - sometimes it's just him, sometimes it's him and his brother, sometimes it's him, his dad, his brother, and me... it can be any configuration depending on how the dynamics are working in our family at the time). But I needed to get this out to other parents who understand that trying to navigate the complex emotions of a tiny human can sometimes result in the worst behavior.TL; dr: I lost my temper with my son and it made me feel like I'm my mother and that I've ruined my little boy's life. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/31NBAyO
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