TL;DR: recovering drug addict enjoyed a night relaxing with my toddlerShe just fell asleep, curled up between me and the couch, head on my arm. We are sleeping on two stacked mattresses in the living room because it's still getting to 80° here in Pennsylvania and its cooler downstairs. I just looked over at her peaceful sleeping and was momentarily captivated by her beauty in the glow of the TV, which has Frasier playing quietly.I'm a recovering drug addict with 18 days clean. I have a baby addiction compared to most addicts but it really took over my life. I was using stimulants like adderall to keep me going so I could keep up with being a CNA, and a mom, and a housekeeper, and a cook... alone. I have no support in any capacity for her. I thought it made me a better parent but it made me an absent parent even though I was still in the home because of the many nights I couldn't sleep and my two year old went to bed by herself.Past week or so I've been really nauseous, and I get tired easily anyway but especially since my stomach hurts and I have no appetite. Today my eldest child was here overnight and trying to be attentive to both of them and fair to both of them wears me out so when she went back to her dad's, my youngest took a nap and I dozed for a few minutes but then got up and started cleaning up the black hole that is our house. When my LO woke up, I gave up on the cleaning and took her for a walk using the new-to-us walker/tricycle thing I found on the side of the road. When we got back, I'd used up all my energy, and my stomach hurt, so I threw tater tots in the oven for supper and we spent the evening just lying in bed, watching Svengoolie for me, and YouTube videos for her, giggling and being silly. Munching on dry Mini Wheats for dessert. At one point, we got up to get fresh drinks and were trying to sort of the tricycle because the front wheel turns sideways, and I got into the seat and she pushed me with the handle which was like, a foot above her head. I couldn't believe she was able to push me. We laughed and laughed. It's been a really nice, relaxing night at home, sober.Since I'm in intensive outpatient treatment to address my drug addiction, I dont have time to work. I only have childcare during the day on weekdays and I do IOP every morning until 12, then its back to back appointments till it's time to get home and pick her up and start supper to start again the next day. Money is a big stressor for me; my electric was shut off Thursday for non payment, and I've resorted more than once to shoplifting the basic necessities (like coffee and baby wipes) as well as demeaned myself by begging neighbors for money for diapers. My phone is off right now because I dont have $40 to pay for the service, using another neighbor's wifi at the moment. I carry a lot of guilt and shame about the complete failure I am as a 29 year old person, and as a mother.But tonight I was able to forget all my shit. My phone is off so no one could get ahold of me. My stomach hurts so I let myself rest for once (I have it in my head that being tired from not using drugs is no excuse not to attend to my responsibilities) and I just relaxed and just enjoy spending time with my kid. And we didnt do anything. we didn't even have a real dinner. She didnt care; she just enjoyed spending time together.I really needed this, you guys, I really did. It's the stuff you don't realize you're missing when you're using. I'm glad she is young enough not to remember the dark times and I will do everything I can to make sure she doesn't make any new memories where I let her down because I chose drugs. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2mAbpw1
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