My almost 2 year old daughter (our first and only child) is noticeably different from other kids her age. It's becoming more and more obvious that something is different about her and we strongly believe she is on the spectrum.Some of her behaviors:She doesn't say any words yet, just babbles.She doesn't respond to her name and she doesn't follow directions.She flaps her arms, rocks, spins in circles and walks on her tip toes.She's never hugged or kissed anyone, including me and my husband.She doesn't mimic others or play pretend.She is in her own little world most of the time unless I really engage her (playing peekaboo, blowing bubbles, singing) and then she'll only look at me and smile/laugh briefly and then go back into her world.She doesn't point or show me things.She won't let anyone else hold her aside from my husband and I. So, we don't get a lot of breaks. If a family member watches her, she will cry the whole time and will not eat. My husband and I don't go out a lot, and when we do, it can only be for 2 or 3 hours at a time......I raised my concerns with her pediatrician at her 18th month check up and the pediatrician referred us to a program called "Infants and Toddlers" that will hopefully help her learn and grow.A specialist from Infants and Toddlers came to our house last week and after meeting with all of us, she could tell that our daughter would qualify for the program. She could not diagnose her on the spot but said that the program offers many different outlets including a therapist who will be able to eventually diagnose her once they understand her better.So, after we were told that our daughter (who I will be referring to as "Ellie" from this point on) would qualify for the program, we were then told that a teacher will be coming to our house once a week starting next month to help Ellie......So now that you are all caught up with what is going on in my life, I really need to vent and reach out to the /r/parenting community.I am scared.Ellies behavior has turned our world upside down. When I first realized something was different (I looked up autistic vs. non autistic toddler videos on youtube and could immediately see that Ellie acted just like the autistic toddlers) I had this huge revelation and it sent me into a deep deep depression. I cried every night for 3 weeks straight, basically mourning my "normal" future with Ellie.I have a therapist now and am on prozac, it has helped a lot but I still have bad days.I'm angry. I did everything right during my pregnancy and while she was a newborn. She was severely colicky as a newborn and cried during the first 3 months of her life non stop. The ONLY thing that got me through that was that I kept telling myself "soon she'll be a happy and spunky toddler and you can color, have tea parties and build forts together" and now I don't even know if I'll ever have that.I'm lost. I have no idea where she falls on the spectrum and my worst fear is that she'll be low functioning and that she'll always be really different and really hard to take care of and that she'll never be independent. I lie to myself everyday and tell myself that she'll be high functioning, she'll just be a little awkward or quirky, but she'll excel at friendships, work and school. But, I obviously don't know that.I'm tired. she already is really hard to take care of. She doesn't respond to her name or come when I call her, so I am constantly chasing after her. She is hyper-active, always in motion, never stopping to be still. She just aimlessly wanders around all day from room to room. She hasn't hit a "milestone" since she was 12 months old and learned how to walk, so, it's also been very boring. I feel like I've had a 12 month old for the last 8 months. She has not mentally grown at all and every day feels exactly the same. She is also a really picky eater and a shitty sleeper, still waking up through out the night so that is a constant battle as well.I am depressed. I feel like I am already missing out on so much. She should be reaching up for me and calling me "mommy." She should be giving me hugs and kisses. She should be bringing me books and toys so that we can read and play together. She should be playing make believe instead of pacing back and forth and robotically pressing the same buttons on her toys over and over again. Things should not be this way.I am feeling hopeless. I have always wanted more children, but now I don't know if I will. What if my next child has autism too? What if it's even worse than Ellies autism? Even if my next child is not autistic, taking care of one child with special needs is so hard, I don't know if I have the energy for another child, or if my future child will resent the life they are born into because I will have to devote more time and energy into Ellie.I just need a virtual shoulder to cry on. Today was really hard and I don't know what to do. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2dq5Aw3
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