I am a mother to one, kiddo is 8 and on the spectrum. Wild and rambunctious. Typical ADHD/ASD.Husband and I have been married for 11 years. We wanted kids and decided to be one and done.At 5 years into our marriage we had major in law issues, we were in family therapy and I decided to leave. We lived separately for 2 years. His family still hates me but he at least we worked through our struggles and have been back together. He chose me and our kiddo.However he's increasing becoming more or less aggressive with our kiddo. He constantly blames her for her behavior. Of course some behavior IS her, she's a kid who is learning after all, but a lot of it is NOT her fault. Her brain functions differently and although he knows this, he refuses to accept that at times her behavior is not a personal attack.She has anxiety and OCD ontop of things. She has been homeschooled but things she asked to go to school so I sent her. It went okay, she wants to continue to go.I got her signed up for therapy every other week (it's all we can afford) and she's going to a speech and social therapy starting in September. I want her to succeed in life and will do my best to help her.I am not a perfect parent. I yell at her, lose my patience with her and sometimes take my anger out on the pillow in our bedroom. I always apologize to my daughter after I calm down. I never excuse or blame my behavior on her. I dont even ask her for her forgiveness because my own behavior in my mind is unforgivable. I am in therapy myself and have been doing my own work. I come from an abusive home and so I recognize I have work to do. Which I am HAPPY to do.Husband is a totally different story. He gets violently angry, he smashed a blanket box when she refuses to listen and was being very defiant. I know he carries a lot on his shoulders, he's the only income and does a lot of appointments with our daughter because of my health not allowing me to travel a lot of the time. But I keep the house and look after our daughter when she's home.He refuses to get help, despite me asking him to, he just doesn't see a point in it. I have read several books on unconditional and gentle parenting that he shows interest in but as soon as I offer him to read them he says no. He feels guilty all the time, which I know feeds his anger.He obviously has an anger issue related to parenting and so he's asked me help him calm down or intervene when shit gets too heated. I'll admit, our kid is a handle and tests the patience of our gentlest friends. However I feel like I'm parenting him now.Tonight our daughter was upset, she was anxious because she ate too much ketchup with her dinner and expressed that her throat and tummy hurt. I asked her if she was anxious, she said yes and that is was about the ketchup. So I told her that it was okay, that if she hasnt feel unwell since eating I'm sure she will be just fine. Husband interjected his thoughts and was using an intimidating voice and body language saying "did you puke last time? No? Well?" And I asked him to stop as she was getting more upset and he turned to me and told me to shut up and to stop interrupting him.Now that has been an issue in our parenting. He will be saying something and I'll interrupt and talk over him. I'm working on taking a step back however I am noticing that he's consistently making these situations worse.Tonight I legitimately felt scared of him in that moment. He had an angry crazed look in his eye and the gentle loving man I married was gone.He told me after when I brought it up again, because I did call him out on it Infront of our daughter. That he hates being a dad, that he dreads waking up in the morning to her. That he hates interacting with her.I know my mom never stood up for me to my dad so I am quick to step in, even if she did something wrong, I never excuse her behavior but I remind him that he is the adult and needs to act like one, to model the behavior we want.I am contemplating leaving him now. I am just as miserable as he is, i am exhausted and angry a lot. Our kid is high need and it's not easy. But damn, I'd walk through fire for her and I feel like I might need to.I am encouraging him to go to therapy, I will be bringing this up with our daughters therapist and I already have told him he needs to do better or our marriage will be in more jeopardy because I will choose our daughter over him any day. She's a child. An innocent. Doesn't matter if she's not perfect. She didn't ask for this.I feel numb, and angry at the same time. I love this man with all my heart but I am tired of being the only one who is working on being a better parent.I flared this as support. I really could use it. I don't know what is the right choice right now and I cant even work right now let alone leave my husband. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2K6pwkc
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