I tried posting to Relationships but was sent here.I gave birth to my second daughter about a week ago. It wasn't the easiest pregnancy (complications due to Lyme infection, which were resolved) plus I really didn't want to have a second cesarean: I don't like the drugs, didn't want to heal from a second surgery with an active 3 year old, didn't want to have to go through major surgery while awake. (Spoiler alert: it's terrifying.) Plus our hospital does not allow anyone in the room during the spinal, so you're without your support person during the scariest part, and you have to trust that someone will get them, which of course, if something goes wrong, they won't.Anyway, I had a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I rocked it you guys. I was lucky: no back labor, labored for maybe 15 hours, then pushed her out in an hour. She is beautiful.Here's my problem. My husband has totally been my rock, all through labor, through the baby blues that hit on Thanksgiving (he cooked a turkey, had both our families over, and had them all boss him around all day), has been changing diapers, running to the store, calming down a dramatic 3 year old, getting me pads at 11pm, all the things.The first night when I was exhausted from labor, he held her for hours. In the morning he told me he thought she was even more beautiful than the day before. Off to a good start, right? Last night he admitted to me that he doesn't love her yet. Obviously I don't get it. I loved her right away. At first just a little. Then more and more as we bonded. Nursing especially seems to do this for me.He says that it's "different for guys" and that he is mostly worried that our older daughter is taken care of right now. I have to admit I kind of shut down and told him that I just couldn't hear about it again.Tonight he tried to "give me a break" so I could eat dinner with our daughter. She started to cry, and he starts to look for this pacifier that is the only one she likes. It's totally missing, and we had play date friends over in the morning, so who know where a couple of toddlers could have put it, lol. So 15 minutes ensues of him stomping around with a crying baby looking for a pacifier (not a relaxing break for anyone!). I'm thinking, she's pretty easy for a baby- talk to her, make eye contact, hum or sing. All the things he did the first night! Instead he just wants to put a plug in it to shut it up.I guess since he told me how he felt, I haven't wanted to burden him with caring for her, and tried to just do it all myself all day, but is it a vicious cycle? I can tell he is just completely annoyed with her crying during diaper changes, or in general. How can he bond if he, well, doesn't? What if he never gets to the same level of feeling that he had for our oldest?I do think he cares somewhat because I do feel that I can trust him to keep her safe: he checks on her to make sure she is wrapped safely, reminds me to not let our dogs or toddler be unsupervised with her, etc. (not that I would!) But if the love isn't there? I'm especially worried because he says "it was instant" with our first.Does anyone have a similar experience or advice?tl;dr: My husband admitted that he doesn't have feelings for our second daughter, born about a week ago. He has been helping me care for her, but I guess he is going through the motions? He says it's "different for guys" but he also says that he loved our first daughter right away. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2gD7Lsm
No comments:
Post a Comment