Guilt issues over my first child

As my second child turns a week old I find that I have a lot of guilt about my first child.My first child's birth was rather traumatic. Breastfeeding never worked. Pumping was painful and didn't work out in the end. My supply dried up when my gallbladder went bad. On top of all that I had severe postpartum depression. I didn't bond with my newborn. I didn't love him. I hated him. I hated taking care of him, I hated the pain he caused me, I hated pumping for him, I hated that I had to give him formula. I hated that no matter what I did it felt like I failed.With my second child I attempted breastfeeding briefly. I stopped once I knew that it wouldn't work for me. The lactation consultant at the hospital supported my decision. My nurse tried to guilt me into breastfeeding. I decided to not breastfeed for the sake of my mental health. I happily switched to formula.Now is where the guilt comes in. I love my first son so much now. Every day with him is such a joy. He is 19 months old and watching him discover the world just makes me so happy. The problem is that I love my second son so much more than I loved my first at this age. I don't resent my second at all. I am left with hip and back pain from a rather intense labor where he got stuck, but I don't blame him. I find it so easy to love my second son, while with my first I was struggling daily to not hate him. Sometimes with my first I screamed at him when he cried. I knew he couldn't communicate in a different way, and I still screamed at him to shut up. I no longer raise my voice at my son at all, but I still feel horrible about it.Am I a bad mother for this? I feel like such a horrible person for loving my second son so easily when I hated my first so much. I just don't know how to deal with this guilt. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2fAvwR0