A plea to divorced parents

Please don't put your kids in impossible situation. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is. I know splitting holidays is awful when you just want to spend it with your kids. But be mindful that it is hard for your kids too. It sucks to be young children, but it is also hard to be adult children trying to manage your holiday plans and be fair to everyone. You can't give everyone what they want, especially when you are the only one giving.I say this after our Thanksgiving. We usually spend it with my family, but my mother in law's sister and brother in law came down from Maine and so we had them all over to our house. My father in law's dad and cousin came. We never thought to invite my father in law because he and his girlfriend (she is a very nice lady), don't get along with my mother in law and her husband (he is a nice man). It wasn't that we didn't want him here, but since it was mostly his mom's family, we didn't think to invite him. They share custody of my husband's grandfather, so to speak, because my mother in law didn't have a dad growing up and he is like a father to her too. We also figured my father in law would spend the time with his girlfriend and her family. It isn't that we didn't want him. It is tense enough at our kids' birthdays because they hate each other. They pretend the other doesn't exist and it is, at best, uncomfortable. My husband called to invite him over for some turkey pot pie and time with the grandkids and he seemed pissed off. We screwed up. We should have invited him so we didn't hurt him even though he would never come. We didn't mean to hurt him, but we never know how to handle things because they don't make it easy on us. They say they will get along and never do. They put my husband in the middle of it and I hate it.We have already decided to split Christmas Eve up into brunch with his dad and dinner with his mom, we just haven't told them yet. Christmas morning is just us and the kids and Christmas day we head to see my family. We want to fit in time with everyone, but it isn't always possible. We are all adults. We all have significant others and plans and that is okay. It is ridiculous that we are in our 30s and trying to be the peace keepers for my in laws. I hate it.My point is that kids shouldn't have to be the moderator. You need to be civil and you need to have some flexibility. This has soured a great weekend. I feel terrible, but mostly I am pissed. I am pissed that instead of being an adult and talking about it his dad is pouting. If he is hurting we would like to make it right, but he has to let us. The fact he can't understand that we are in a bad situation is frustraring. I need my in laws to act like adults and they can't where the other is concerned. It is disappointing.I almost didn't post this here. I hope it is okay to have it here. My point is this sticks with kids. It doesn't get easier for the kids, it gets harder. It feels like we are choosing one parent over another even when it is unintentional. It is unfair to my kids. They love all their grandparents. In some ways, they are lucky. They have two extra grandparents to love them and spoil them. I really appreciated that my in laws SOs love my kids. They are good people and I will never complain about having more people there to support my girls and love them. I am from a big family. I spent lots of time with my grandparents friends and extended family. I was always surrounded by love, even when it was chaos. My family is far from perfect, but at least they spend time together. My grandparents on both sides always shared holidays and spent them together. My mother in law (who really is the problem), doesn't like my parents and makes it impossible to do that. My parents are two hours away. But at least when we go down we can see everyone. My in laws are 10 minutes away and it is somehow more complicated. My kids miss out on what I had because of pettiness. My husband feels guilty and deals with all of this ugliness because his mom and dad act like teenagers.Sorry for ranting. Please, please, please, understand that your kids can only go so far. Work with them. Know theu have to juggle things and are not necessarily excluding one parent for the other. Offer solutions. Make consessions. It really hurts when parents refuse to be civil for their kids and then are inflexible. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2gsFmoU