A eulogy for my fiance, or a love letter for our daughter.

Hi everyone. My fiance just passed in mid January and our daughter turns a year in March. I'm not entirely sure where to start. Hopefully this is an okay post.**A eulogy for my fiance, or a love letter for our daughter.Your Papa was and is the sweetest man I've ever had good fortune of knowing.He was never afraid to be himself. While that was quite vexing at times, I hope you are just as fearless.Lord knows I love you both to death.In April of 2016, I started work in the deli where your Papa and I met.He kind of shy then, but I also noticed his humor, hard work and compassion. On my birthday (May 12th) I was stuck at work, but he got me an energy drink and a little cheesecake. It was so sweet. He didn't really know me, he didn't need to do that, but he did and that made all the difference.Our friend said 'hey, here's his number, his birthday is May 30th. Ask him out.'I managed to convince him and change our lives for the better.May 30th came, and we went to a local Chinese place. He ordered his favorite General Tso's, extra spicy. The restaurant played Clair de Lune, and he impressed me by playing it on his guitar.We just talked and talked, and decided we didn't want the night to end. We went down to the city beach, and just kept talking. I remember shaking the entire time, sort of in awe of how comfortable I felt. We just couldn't shut up. Eventually the sun set, the rum we'd had disappeared. That's when we noticed the tide came in, and whoops. Time to jump in.We were two kids, sloshing back through knee deep ocean water at like midnight, drunk on each other and the beginnings of love and laughing at the moon. We pretended we were pirates and safetly made it back We had a few more adventures like that. We took a trip to Cresent Lake, and in the middle of this crazy rainstorm washing out trails, Papa and I decided to try and find waterfalls. We'd take long walks to anywhere, just always together. It felt like I could do anything and he'd be there. He was home to me.By the summer of 2018, I was pregnant with you, my sweet, wonderful girl.He did everything he could to make me comfortable.Although he was worried about not being a good enough father, he was the definition of supportive, tolerant and kind. When we met you in March 2019, we were overjoyed...In the years come, I will tell you more of the story of us, of Papa and I.It's not fair but what we had was beautiful. I'm forever grateful for the short time we've had.I'll tell you every single day, you are his pride and joy. ** No matter what.**He held you so carefully at first, and laid awake most nights with me, watching your beautiful face, making sure you kept breathing.He read you ALL the stories.When you cried he'd play guitar for you.We we're lucky enough to celebrate your 1st tooth together.We encouraged all the wonderful sounds you'd begun to make.By Christmas, you were starting to yell 'Dadadada!"When he came home from work, he'd scoop you up and run around with you on his shoulders.When you were on the cusp of being able to walk on your own, he would hold your tiny hands and walk with you. He was, and certainly is so proud of you.I wear his ring and consider myself his wife.We thought there was no hurry to marry, that we'd have forever together.We thought tomorrow would be a better day.It turns out life is cruel, and those few precious moments are all we'll ever know.Your Papa was my love, my hero and my rockstar.He inspired me to be the best version of myself I could be.The beautiful light he had will carry on in you.We will treasure what he taught us, and miss him forever.*And that's the beginning to what our daughter will know. The eulogy. The clean version.Throughout the 4 years we had together, he worked SO much. It was to support us both, if and when I struggled with work. It was to the detriment of his health, and he was almost always in some sort of pain. He also struggled heavily with anxiety, ADHD and depression. I always knew about his addiction, but I looked the other way. So many mornings I held him as he shook, trying not to vomit. Trying to summon the courage for one more day. All I could do was hold him and try not to cry for him.I don't want her to know (just yet) that he struggled with opiate addiction, that he passed in his sleep at 23 fucking years old. That's it. 23. I don't want her to know that on Christmas Eve, he overdosed for the 1st time and I had to put her in her crib to start chest compressions. He wasn't breathing, I thought I lost him then... and I was so fucking angry with him.Although I 'knew' it suddenly clicked. I thought he had been sober while I was pregnant. Surely he'd stop after seeing her born and cutting the umbilicul cord. But oh my god. How could I be so naive? That's why he was 'falling asleep' in the bathroom so much. I had to wonder if he really did work so late while I stayed home with our daughter. I started really questioning everything. All the frustrations of being a SAHM started to bubble over. A new baby of course changes things, and I tried not to take it out on him... All these emotions clashed and swirled. I loved him more than anything, but not more than herAnyway, no matter how I felt, I knew she didn't need to see us at each other's throats. I went to my moms after the holidays... He dropped us off on his way to work and that was the last time I saw him alive.I'm typing this all now while our daughter is asleep next to me. I have all the support in the world and I'll be okay.But ya know, it's not okay right now. I miss my best friend. I love him so much. I keep opening reddit tabs to show him. We were supposed to watch the season finale of Bojack Horseman. I've been talking to his picture on the wall and I keep writing him letters. A part of me feels that I should've tried harder to make him understand how much I needed him... We swore to each other that we would be better parents than what we knew and now he just gone.*Anyway, thank y'all for reading if you've made it this far. I just needed to vent. Go hug your loved ones because tomorrow is NOT guaranteed. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2uxBmA4