Child with mental illness and guilt

I don't even know what I want out of this post...maybe just to scream into the darkness?Last night, my 9-year-old--who deals with anxiety, and some significant oppositional behavior--had a major meltdown that ended up with her outside at night, refusing to come into the house, and hiding in the bushes like a feral cat. To make a very long story short, we ended up calling out local PD to help, and after a several-hour stand-off (the term is completely applicable here) we eventually had to call an ambulance so we could take her to a hospital for a psych eval.Now, I've fought with her before. We've gotten into shouting matches. I've locked myself away from her to avoid physical assault, I've taken privileges away, and in the heat of the moment, I've said things I wish I could take back. But none of that...none of it...compares to how fucking horrible I felt having to physically carry her, literally kicking and screaming, into an ambulance and help the EMTs strap her onto a stretcher.I have been telling myself since last night that there was nothing else to be done. It was either me or a stranger, and today, I know she is better for having gone. But the look in her eyes when she went from fury to fear, from opposition to confusion... I don't even know how to characterize it. Betrayal? Profound loss? A completely undefinable feeling when you feel trapped and frightened, and the person who put you there is your own father?I feel like last night was a long time coming, and was probably inevitable to some extent. But if there were ever a memory I could completely excise from my mind, it's this one. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2U7BWQI