Raising 5 kids alone after divorce and I'm breaking.

Here's a little background on me before I get into this I'm 36, was married for 9 years together 12. My First childs father died and I tried to move on but I never recovered. I'm currently going thru divorce proceedings but at the same time I'm falling apart so let's begin.My Ex-husband has to be the incarnation of satan himself. Manipulative, disrespectful, abusive and a life long screw up. Once upon a time I was corporate and well off with land, 2 businesses and everything I dreamed of. I lost it all because of his actions. He has had my cars impounded 3 times, crashed 2, and my last he left running at a gas station while I was in ICU and someone stole it. It was found I fixed it 2 weeks later he fell asleep at the wheel and totaled it.After all of this, 2016 my BC failed and I end up pregnant. I'm deathly sick, have a seizure after my C-SECTION and nearly die on the floor home alone. He's upset I made him leave work though. Months after I try to raise 5 kids sick and alone dealing with postpartum. He decides this is a fine time to cheat with my neighbor. I find out, he hits me, I call my dad he says leave come home. I pack to leave, 2 days later my phone rings. My dad has has a massive stroke, they found cancer he has months to live.I pack my stuff and live in hotels for months with 5 kids. Daily I ran the gamut between suicide and great mom. April 9, 2018 my dad dies along with any hope I had for a normal life. 15 minutes after I got the news my father passed housing called.....You're approved. (Thanks dad)Now months later, I have a good job, a nice place, a good man but my heart is in pieces. For months it was survival for me and my 5, so I blocked everything out, I didn't grieve for my dad nor my marriage. I felt if I let one smidge of emotion in I'd slip when it came to my kids. I refuse.Now it's getting out of hand, I'm getting more frequent panic attacks, I'm withdrawn from my children, boyfriend and public . I'm angry, bitter, cold and mean to everyone even my kids. I sought out therapy, medication but its deeper than that. I'm at the point now where I'm actively preparing getting my affairs in order because I just cant deal with the pain anymore. My kids are witnessing me falling apart. My son cried in my arms and said "when you cry I cry." How do I even deal with this? via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2yGM0U6