This may be long, and admittedly I have a lot of anxiety seeking advice for this as it is something I have quietly dealt with for some time now, but here goes...:My fiancé and I have a two-year-old. I think I knew for quite some time in our relationship that he was using painkillers, but I just wanted to believe it would all resolve itself when our son was born (which is stupid, in retrospect). He is prescribed Xanax for anxiety (which, I'll be honest, I am not too fond of as treatment for anxiety) but I guess I always just told myself it was the Xanax that made him forgetful, sleepy, repeat himself, etc.I started to really piece things together after our son was born, and realized that this probably wasn't going to go away. Still, I thought that maybe it was something I could manage myself. The more I started to put things together, the more he started to conceal things. I know that anyone reading this may think "how could you not know how serious your significant other's opiate addiction is when you share a home and life with them?" I think anyone who knows an addict knows how manipulative they can be when they have something or someone to lose. I love him to death and care for him deeply, and understand the nature of addiction as a disease. I don't, by any means, want to leave him or lose him - he is a wonderful human being and father to our son.But this keeps coming back. A little before we had our son, he started a construction job. My hope that this would go away when my son was born really flipped. His roofing job put him in a position where he was able to access painkillers, with great ease, from the people that he worked with. I guess I don't really need to go into specifics, but things became bad. He was using them every day, from the moment he woke up until the moment he went to sleep at night. He was always high. He was so high functioning on them that I had no idea, which is terrifying. In January, he quit his construction job on the spot because he saw what was happening to him and he needed to walk away from it. We were in a position where we had a couple of weeks for him to find a job, and he was home with my son and I. I felt hopeful. I, still, at this point did not know the extent of what we were dealing with. I knew what he told me, which was almost always a sugarcoated version of the truth. At the end of the two weeks, he was noticeably sick. Throwing up, shaking on the couch, crying. It turns out he had acquired a TON of morphine from a co worker before leaving his job, and quite honestly, had taken enough to kill himself. He was taking 100mg morphine/a day, spending all his time with us, and I didn't have a clue. He was experiencing withdrawals. He came clean about everything and we went to stay with his mom (who is a saint) so she could help us through it and I would have some help with our son. For whatever reason, he never went to rehab. The plan was to do an outpatient rehab but because he had just started a new job and couldn't really take time off, it never happened. He sought addiction counseling and went to AA meetings after he detoxed, and this eventually tapered off when he felt like he was doing really well. He had a new job, he was more active and felt like getting endorphins from exercise and spending time with his family was helping him more than attending AA/NA. I see now that this was a mistake.Fast forward to July: we got pregnant, and were not in a position where we could have another baby. With much sadness, I had an abortion. I was prescribed Percocet, which I intended to throw away, but the medication (abortion by pill) made me very sick and I went to lay down before throwing it away. I never told him that I was given painkillers and they were put away in a bag with other medications, in a cabinet that we don't use. The next day I noticed that he was high out of his mind. I went to check the pill bottle and sure enough, it was short about 6 pills. I confronted him immediately. I gave him the ultimatum, you seek help or I will leave with our son. He agreed to seek help after a lengthy, emotional discussion. We had a vacation planned for a few days later, for which we had already purchased flights and hotels for, and decided that we would take this trip (to visit his family), get some time away, and he would seek treatment when we got home. If I'm being honest, I didn't want him to go to rehab. I felt very broken by having an abortion and was incredibly sad and emotional. I didn't think that I could deal with him being gone during that time, and having to be on my own with my toddler. I cried every day, feeling so far from myself. How did I get here? Reconciling having an abortion as a mother, and wondering how I got to this point where my fiancé would steal the medication they prescribed me. I just didn't even recognize myself - it felt like absolute rock bottom.We agreed that he would see an addiction counselor again, and we would seek couples therapy to try and repair all of the broken trust within our relationship. My son is my first priority, and I know that his dad's issues with addiction are not contributing to a safe space for him in the least. We have been doing really well since July, though couples therapy never happened and he saw his counselor only a few times. I periodically check his phone and it didn't show any evidence that he was using again.Yesterday I had to use his phone to check my email, and saw an outgoing text looking for Percocet. Another text came in - from an absolute junkie that I spoke to myself about ever contacting my SO again (and they haven't spoken since all of that stuff happened in January) - saying "I thought you quit?" Cue the heartbreak. I was shaking, crying, telling him not to touch me. That I would leave, that he needs help. That this is beyond his control. Things I rationally know but then let him manipulate the situation with his apologies and his crying, his desperation for us to not leave. He didn't actually get any painkillers or take any. But he was looking for them."I didn't actually take any painkillers" made room for negotiation, I guess. We made the same plan again: addiction therapy. Couples therapy. Get a new phone number. Delete all of your contacts. No going out at night. Etc, etc.I don't know what to do. It seems like every time this has happened, I later kick myself for not forcing him into rehab. It feels like this will always come back. My heart breaks to think about my son not seeing his dad for some time. Does looking for painkillers and not actually taking them warrant going to rehab? He is also currently the only one who brings in income (my son just started school and I have been applying for jobs every day, but nothing yet). I feel like I can't be selfish about this though, as much as it hurts me for him to be gone and as much as I will struggle, I know that he needs help to get through this.Any advice is greatly appreciated, however harsh it may be. I apologize for the lengthiness. Thank you! via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2yqLZB2
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