I am just curious for those of you who have or have had a 11, 12, 13 year old girl who has drama with her friends or other girls - how much do you get involved? how much do you step back? What are your metrics? how much is too much?I specifically am asking for tweens or older because friendship drama as an 8, 9 or 10 year old was nothing like we are experiencing now. This is very new to me. My girl was always very sweet, a mediator, who was friends with everyone. Now that she's in grade 6, things are changing, cliques are forming. She thinks she is cool as heck, and as such, is pretty much drawn in with the "cool girls", although she has other friends as well that she has shared interests with.lately, she won't talk to me as much about her day, or about her friends and their dynamics but i've seen glimpses of troubles. Last week she came home and cried to me (which was new, has never happened before) because one of her supposed "cool" best friends (we will called her Helen) went off with another girl at recess and completely blocked her out. But she said it was ok because then another friend (we will call her Amy) put her arm around her and made her feel better. I told her well Helen has shown that shes not a great friend and Amy is. This is something i had always thought before as i hear Helen often making fun of other kids for being poor, or having pimples etc, and being a bit manipulative and commandeering. Amy, on the other hand, has a lot of pimples, low self esteem, and Helen always says she hates her. They both have spent a lot of time at our house (separate of course). Amy has low self esteem in general, but is very uncomplicated, sweet, doesn't talk badly about other kids (she has no interest really), and just wants to have fun. Helen has a knack for getting one kid to spend recess JUST with her and to shut out others, by complimenting that kid and telling her how much she is better than the others, and they just don't have time for other kids because they have important things to talk about. Those types of shenanigans.Today my kid comes home and says Helen apologized to her for blocking her out last week and they are friends again and everything is alright. I made a small comment that i hope Amy wasn't ignored or pushed away and she said no, everything is fine. But later i heard her call Amy to ask her about homework and Amy said they weren't friends, sounded like she had been crying, and hung up on her. Then there was massive drama in the house as my kid basically snapped and was rude and insulting towards both me and her sister. I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything and she said no, it wasn't any of my business and she doesn't want to talk to me. She said "if i tell you what happened at school today, it won't help anything it will just make things worse". She also blamed me for taking away her phone last week (because she was spending too much time on girl drama stuff). (the only reason she has a phone is because she goes to school 20 km out of town and is reliant on a car pool for rides home)Normally even getting this far into the story is too much drama for me, but i am really worried about her getting meaner and meaner and basically being a shitty friend. This is not the first time i have heard undertones of her being crappy to someone. And quite frankly, the entire topic is taking up a lot of time and nearly ALL of her attention so she isn't getting homework or chores done at all. On one hand i think, she will learn on her own right? but on the other hand, it kills me to think that there's another little girl out there crying today because of my kid. And what if she doesn't learn? What if this is her transition from being "friends with everyone" to "in-group snob who is mean to other girls"??? And how do i stop it? Or can i? I should also add that my life is super low drama. I get along with everyone and haven't had a fight with a friend since i was in high school. So i don't think this is just her personality but i do worry about how i can help or teach her when she won't talk to meI should also add that she is in grade 6 and we are not in the US. That means she IS in high school now, and these classmates will be the ones she will do her exit exams with. I am the PTA (equiv) rep for her class. In this country, parents rarely get involved in friendship quarrels, even in the earlier grades - i was about to text the mom of Amy just to ask her if Amy is ok, but then i thought it might be overstepping, and it might REALLY make my daughter close off all communications with me. I just don't know.I should also add that the additional stress on my kid is very noticeable. They have their class trip coming up, where they will be gone for a week and the girls are already discussing who's going to room with who. Helen told my kid that she wants to room with her but not Amy because Amy has too many pimples. I responded, well, you should room with Amy then, and my kid responded "i know but......I also want to be in the "fun" room too". ugh.Thoughts? similar stories? Any tips for getting a kid to talk when you know they aren't because they know they will get in trouble for their behaviour?? via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2rxozdV
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