Throw away for obvious reasons.I have two children, one is 4 and one is 4 months. Throughout my children's lives I try daily to be a good mom but today there was an "event" and now I have mom guilt and don't know if I'm being over sensitive.A little background: I am the only child of an alcoholic father and a mother with raging mental health issues. As a child, I didn't have many friends and spent a lot of time alone and isolated in my room. There was a power and control issue with food and a lot of emotional abuse. I have semi-distanced myself from my family but see them more regularly now that I have kids.It took the birth of my daughter to make me realize some of the issues that took place in my home were not normal. Because I don't have a good barometer, I am constantly screwing up as a mom and it's extremely stressful. I try so unbelievably hard to do the correct thing, but I never get it right.Take for example, last year at my daughters daycare the staff came and spoke to me because my daughter didn't have an appropriate winter jacket. Growing up, I never owned a pair of snowpants or gloves and I built up a tolerance for "good enough". I was using a fall jacket with a sweater underneath and thought that would be an appropriate winter jacket. I was incredibly embarrassed that I didn't realize it wasn't the correct outdoor attire and I left daycare and went and purchased an appropriate winter jacket. I felt absolutely awful.Or the fact that I never want to stay home with my child when she's sick. I work a high profile job and am always so incredibly worried that I will miss something at work. I realized it's because my mother never stayed home with me and my brain has normalized that type of activity as being appropriate.Today my daughters daycare went on a fieldtrip. I am on maternity leave so I was able to drop her off and had the option of going. I chose not to. All the other moms did. I went, dropped her off and drove home. I got about half way home when I thought, ".....what am I doing? I have no reason not to go", so I turned around and drove back. I felt absolutely terrible. Why wouldn't I go? Why is my brain so broken that the option of sitting at home, watching tv is more appealing than experiencing something with my child? Is this normal? Is this guilt? Why can't I get being a mom right?As I reread this post, it sounds pretty ranty and full of angst. It's not suppose to...and I'm sorry. Maybe I just need someone to say "yah...you're a bad mom...fix it" or "no..you're doing great. We all screw up...some more than others". My children are fantastic. They are loved, fed, allotted endless opportunities and so happy...so why do I feel so guilty that I am not providing anything for them? via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2rmzZjQ
No comments:
Post a Comment