I think I'm abusive.

I have two boys, 2 and 4. My 4 yo and I have always had a difficult relationship. He's challenging in that he is incredibly wilful and gets stuck in a pattern of behaviour and nothing will distract him. He has always been difficult and it is only now I compare the behaviour of my 2yo to his that I realise how difficult he actually is. But, he is 4. And I am supposedly the adult, but I don't act it sometimes. I lose my temper with him and scream at him. I say horrible things that I don't mean (if I argue with anyone I do this, but again, he's 4!) I have in the past slapped him across the face. For this my husband physically removed me from the room and I have vowed never to physically hurt him again, and to this I have been faithful. But I'm still an awful mother. What resources are available to me in the U.K.? I need help. I often think of suicide as relief for myself and to rid my poor children of me. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2qsAcPg