Probably getting divorced. One of our biggest problems is that I get no help with the baby. How do you share custody in a situation like this?

I have no idea where to start. I'll preface this all by saying I do know that I don't want to alienate my husband or "take him to the cleaners," but I need advice on how to make this as painless as possible.We have had a very toxic relationship from the beginning. He has had several emotional affairs, potentially a sexual affair, he's emotionally abusive, anger issues, etc. I love him, but it can't work. I don't want him to treat our child the way he treats me.My husband has also shown little to no interest in taking care of our baby. He says he's tired or has to work, and the baby wants me anyways so I should just take him. Our baby is two and he has given him, maybe, five baths in his whole life. The baby hates baths, and cries the whole time, so my husband usually just gets him wet and says it's ok because I'll clean him the next day. My husband has put the baby to sleep 3 times on his own because I was physically unable to post surgery. He's been to one doctor's appt days after the baby's birth, but I'm in charge of every other decision. My husband has never even given our child medicine.I have only left our kid alone with my husband five times and he's damn near close to neglectful. He doesn't change his diapers for hours, he'll let the baby spill juice on himself/soak his clothes and not change him, doesn't feed him because he doesn't know what he eats and didn't know he was hungry, he ignores the baby if he won't stop crying because "babies need to cry" and "he needs to learn to deal with it himself," etc. When our baby was brand new, he had super bad colic and cried and cried. My husband would yell at him and say things like, "what's wrong with you?" or "what do you want? Stop crying" and just put the baby down.He has never been physically abusive and I've only seen him spank our child a handful of times, but I'm still very worried about the emotional abuse that my baby could experience. I know my husband can/will do it because he's done it to me.My question is, how do all these things affect custody? Do they? And how does joint custody work if one parent is moving constantly with the military? I'm not going to follow him once we're divorced. How does anyone share physical custody of a young child like ours while living in different states/countries?What does a typical parenting plan look like for a situation like ours? Is it possible to get full legal and physical custody with visitation when neither parent is physically abusive and they're both capable of parenting ... even if the father doesn't have a real interest. I realize things could change if I ask for a divorce. I know he might demand custody to spite me. I'm just trying to prepare myself.Also, what things do you recommend/wish you'd ask for in your custody agreement?TL;DR Military couple with one child divorcing. The father is not helpful as parent while married. Does this affect custody? How does joint custody of young children work when parents live in different states/countries? via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2lTNtkL