penny for your thoughts

i posted three years ago about my daughter and her behavior and now i'm back with more... story...to recap the last post, my husband suicided in March of 2011. my daughters were 5 and 9 at the time, 11 and 15 now. i've been worried about my younger daughter's well being for quite some time... when i posted last, she was 8 and pretty much pretending to be a cat in her own world... i couldn't clearly describe her behavior and i still have a hard time describing her behavior that makes me worry but i'll try to sum it up...since the last time i posted, my older daughter went through middle school and her own identity crisis... the area i live in it's "cool" to be "emo/sad/depressed" and my older daughter fed on that... she started cutting and eventually attempted suicide herself... my younger daughter watched all of this happen and i don't think she processed any of it and i don't think she's processed anything with her dad for the most part... she lives in her own bubble....we moved to a new town and she finally gets friends in the neighborhood and things seem to be looking up... she even said, in her own words, that she feels like she's coming out of a bubble (she's never heard me say i think she lives in her own bubble), those were her words... she was still weird and socially awkward but she had friends so she was doing better... but the friends started moving away and then she became very isolated...this house is a computer house... their dad was an it guy who played computer games, he got me into playing computer games, my girls play computer games and none of this was a problem but because she started losing friends, she turned to online friends... she ate a lot to the point that she started hiding in oversized hoodies and would hide in her closet if she had a responsibility she had to do (the dishes or whatever)... she even mentioned she likes playing on the computer because she doesn't have to worry about what other people think about her because they can't see her... she would rather play on the computer than anything else... so trying to get her to cut back how much she's eating and trying to get her more physically active has been difficult...now throw all of that together with her watching sister cut and attempt suicide, knowing her dad's attempted suicide... she has now attempted cutting and has threatened suicide on at least three other occasions. this past monday, she took a knife to school and told two kids that she planned on killing herself outside the public library... we had a really rough weekend but everything seemed ok before she left for school, i had no idea anything was wrong... thankfully the kids told on her, the school called me and we've spent a lot of one on one time... she got suspended for three days and had to have a threat assessment completed to make sure she wasn't a threat to herself and a threat to other kids... we did that yesterday and everything went well, she went back to school today...she's been seeing a therapist for about a year now and her therapist is pushing meds and i'm sooooooooo scared to go that method... we saw a psychiatrist last thursday (before all of that stuff went down) and she didn't feel strongly one way or another but said if we did try the meds route, to try a ssri called lamictal... i think she needs a new therapist with new ideas on how to treat her... i think she needs to be wrapped in love to help her find her self worth, to change her inner dialogue, i don't know :( she has an appointment with a psychologist next week...now almost every night, i'm haunted with every single thing i've done wrong as a parent that has so utterly damaged my child... i'm remembering things that "must be the reason"... the glass of wine i had when i was pregnant with her... the first night she slept through the night (was she crying all night and i just slept through it?)... the fights we would get into which would just scare the living daylights out of her... the four years i spent drinking after my husband died instead of being there for them when they needed me the most... getting mad at her for getting in trouble all of the time instead of being compassionate and loving... every night, my mind thinks of some other thing i've done that has broken heryesterday at the school, while we were waiting for the threat assessment, my sweet loving lost confused child asked me in a scared voice "am i a bad person?" my heart is so broken for her and i'm so guilt ridden... i just want to help in any way for her to find her happiness.... sorry for the wall of text, i needed to vent somewhere and what better place to do it than anonymously to some strangers... thank you for listening via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2mr6rvv