Was told this may be a better place than relationships.Also to note my husband has really tried to bond with him, car stuff, playing basketball, showing him his favorite books, taking him to his barber shop for man time, we got him a gym membership, etc... Also my brother is not banned from living room, we just tell him to not eat on couch, jump on furniture, and to wear headphones if he wants to watch something other than what we are watching. He's got phone, tablet, laptop, and a desk in the living room with a monitor and video games as well as that stuff in his room too for him to watch and listen to stuff on. Brother is home before husband and refuses to help run errands with me on weekends so he literally never leaves the house while my husband is home from work, hence why we want him in sports. Husband needs some alone time with my brother out doing other things.So my parents died. No other family other than another sister living in a different country in going to college, no plans on moving home. It was tough decision for my husband, he's still coming to terms with it and been 6 months. He's not happy about it but we're a family so trying to make it work.My husband grew up only child in a quiet house with strict rules and clean environment with nice things and manners. I grew up with siblings and parents who were hoarders and no rules with little money and no nice things. I obviously didn't enjoy that life and when I moved out at 18 became a responsible, normal adult who keeps a very clean house and am happy with it. I run on a strict routine, meal prep, weekly cleaning schedule etc... Works with my work/school schedule well and my husband and I enjoyed our life without kids. My husband has mild OCD (diagnosed) and so certain things are super important to him that most people wouldn't care about but I respect and he does a lot of hard work to compromise and keep it under control but still its not always easy.My brother... Well he's a good kid who lost his family and struggles but is trying. It's just he has so many bad habits from my parents and it's driving a huge wedge between my husband and I.Some things I agree need to change. He sneaks food in his room, we got roaches, he constantly leaves dirty clothes places, ESP the bathroom floor, he throws out half his dinner I make and sneaks dessert and there's usually none left for husband and I, he has to be nagged to do any dishes or chores (though does do them), and generally not a clean kid. His hygiene is great, but living area not so much. I'm trying to keep the peace by picking up the slack but it's getting exhausting. He also doesn't treat our possessions nice because he had thrift store stuff and was never taught. We have a 2k couch I saved for, a house we purchased last year with nice tile floors, new toilets etc. He will climb on the furniture when it's reclined and has busted it a bit, the toilet is half broken from rough use, things are dropped on the tile chipping it, he will dribble basketball in the house. We've tried bribing with extra allowance, praise him for things he does well, etc but things don't work a lot of the time and it's leading to more fights. He feels picked on, I feel guilty, husband is super frustrated.Some things I think are just kid stuff, like he likes listening to awful gangster rap out loud and wants to hang out on the couch after school watching TV. My husband also likes to decompress in the living room after work but my brother has dominated it. We tried talking to him and he now hides in his room afraid to come out or gets really annoyed when we ask him to please use headphones. I work full time and study for a Masters in an engineering field and quiet is important for me, he just sings out loud or talks to himself, etc. Just being a kid. He also wants to bring friends over but I'm studying, my husband can barely handle one kid, and it's too much for us right now to host other kids and it upsets him. By upset I mean he sulks in his room and plays games instead of sees friends and doesn't want to talk, nothing destructive or out of line. He was used to having 10+ people over if he wanted and there was no supervision, here we're worried about our furniture and glassware and my husbands expensive electronics. I am overwhelmed with work, school, and taking this on and I've started to yell at him more. I'll tell him, hey taking a test here online no noise, he'll keep knocking on door to say he loves me and good luck, it distracts me and I get irritated and feel so bad after for telling him to go away really harshly. I feel awful, he lost his family and we're being jerks.I don't know what to do. For all he's been through he's doing well. He's not into drugs, he came to us to ask to taste beer when he was curious and is open with us, he hangs out with good kids, is struggling with grades but staying after school and at lunch to try and bring them up. He's respectful to me, tries his hardest to adjust to my husbands OCD and our lifestyle that didn't fit a teenage boy. It's hard on him and I'm very proud of him. He's much more mature and resilient than other kids his age.However, my husband is growing more unhappy. We've got 4 years until he graduates high school, there is nowhere else for him to go. I've been with my husband for a decade, he is my family. He's not asking me to choose and is trying to weather this for my sake but he's struggling and has told me so. He absolutely doesn't want to lose me but is having a hard time seeing this being his life for at least next 4 years. We eventually wanted our own kids but now we're looking at mid 30s for me before that because my husband doesn't see it going well with my brother here. I think k he could be an asset to us but it's still fresh and we're adjusting so those talks aren't necessary now, just something my husband has mentioned being upset about.Does anyone have advice? What's normal to expect from my brother? What's asking too much? I feel we're all doing the best we can given the circumstances but longterm something needs to change. As my brother gets more comfortable he is falling into more old habits and the fighting with my husband is increasing but I'm alienating my brother and making him feel unwelcome. He told me yesterday I'm always on his case about something and he's really trying and he is getting upset more and more with everything I nag about. He is making an effort, I see him do so after everytime I ask something. I feel like an asshole. He came to me calmly and respectful and just voiced his feelings. Very mature.Oh been to marriage counseling for it. Counselor raised her sister and said kid needs to just conform. I agree somewhat but still, it's been 6 months and he's got his whole life of bad habits to overcome. Everyone is trying to work to just patience is fading.tl;dr: Parents died. Brother moved in 6 months ago. Completely different upbringing from husband who has OCD and very neat and specific. Everyone is trying but some unclean and typical teenage habits causing rift between everyone. Advice?Help? via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2oue7mr
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