There's a lot of backstory here, so it's probably going to be a long read.My 11 year old son's dad died in a car accident when son was around 18 months old. Before that, everything was normal. My son today has no memories of his dad, except from pictures.When son was around 2.5-3, he started having behaviour problems with respect to tantrums and defiance. I thought it was just normal terrible two toddler acting out, so I tried all the discipline methods everyone uses. Time outs. Taking toys away. Reward systems. Nothing worked. I thought it was just a phase that would pass, since some kids take longer to learn discipline than others, so I kept being consistent with the discipline, hoping for improvement.When son is around 3.5-4, the situation becomes critical. His behaviour is showing no signs of improvement. He refuses to listen to any authority. His tantrums become very aggressive and violent. He is poorly adjusted and cannot handle social situations, like sharing. He breaks toys regularly. He was expelled from one preschool after only a month of attendance. We are trying every disciplinary measure we can think of, but nothing works. Preschool suggests getting him tested and engaging therapists. He gets tested and is diagnosed with ODD at the age of 4. Therapy commences.The therapy doesn't help at all. I don't get any good answers, but instead am given unspecific homework that doesn't really help. I pay $120 every week to go to a venting session. Meanwhile, son's behaviour is just getting worse -- it's like I'm falling deeper and deeper into quicksand and can't get out.When son is 5, I meet my now-husband. Son blatantly defies husband at every chance he gets and has absolutely zero respect for him. Son's behaviour continues to worsen, and he gets smarter about it. He now starts lying and manipulating us, a problem that still occurs to this day.When son is 6, he is now school-aged. Gone are the days of when half the time at school is playtime. He now has to sit at a desk, work with other children, focus on a teacher, and cooperate. Son is incapable of doing these things. He throws school supplies at other children regularly and rolls around on the floor whenever the class is doing storytime, for example. The teacher cannot manage son, so he gets moved to a low enrolment classroom for special-needs children. Still, they cannot manage him, so he regularly gets set aside so he can calm down. Son learns to use this to his advantage. The school is clueless, since it isn't a very good district.Son's behaviour at home, meanwhile, just gets worse. He refuses to listen to us. He is still aggressive. He doesn't care about any consequence he might get. If he has to put away his toys, for example, cue a screaming fit that lasts for up to five hours. Son regularly breaks toys during his tantrums. Son refuses to eat healthy meals and regularly sneaks off into the pantry to eat junk food he isn't allowed to eat, like potato chips. We put a lock on the pantry, and cue screaming and hitting for a month until he accepts the reality. This remains the status quo for the next two years.Son is now 8. His behaviour is not improving. He is now big enough to cause serious damage. He refuses to do chores and cracks our countertop by throwing a sugar bowl at it. He now makes holes in the walls regularly. He refuses to do his homework. He can't keep any friends, and gets into many fights with other children on the playground. He steals from other children regularly. The other kids aren't very kind about it, and this just makes son angry and worsens his behaviour. He gets suspended from school regularly, and spends almost entire days in the principal's office.We end up moving, so we get a different school district and a better therapist. Son (who is 10 at this point) gets retested and is diagnosed with ADHD. We learn tools from this therapist to help improve son's behaviour, and it's excellent. This is the first therapist we have that does more than sit and listen without giving any advice. Son doesn't react well to this therapist and rebels against the new therapy tools at first. However, he soon relents and does them. His behaviour, for once, seems to finally be improving!That is, until we get a call from the day camp we sent him to that summer. We find out that he told a few other boys that they don't have to listen to the camp counselors and that they can do whatever they want. We talk with him about his behaviour, and we think he learned his lesson and will listen to the counselors. But then, he gets kicked out a few days later for hitting a counselor; his behaviour has become too unmanageable. Now that he's been kicked out of day camp, we decide that we will make him do chores all summer instead of day camp, hoping that will teach him a lesson.Unfortunately, it didn't teach him any lesson, and by August, we're right back where we used to be. Son starts lying again and sneaking around to do things behind our backs. He sneaks out of bed after hours to play on his Nintendo. We have to start keeping the Nintendo in our bedroom so he doesn't sneak onto it at night. Although violence isn't so much of an issue anymore, we have to continuously monitor him because he starts snooping around in the house to take things that aren't his to take. He refuses to do his homework when school starts and won't eat healthy, balanced meals.The next year (son is 11), we seem to start making gains with his behaviour again. We start breaking tasks down into small chunks (since that's what the therapists say helps for ADHD), and he seems to be cooperating now. Although it's still an impossibility for him to work without parental supervision or interact with other kids in a positive, safe manner, we are making gains again. He starts doing his homework, and will do a limited number of chores. But then, around January, we find out that he's started stealing money. The cash in husband's wallet went missing, and we find it in son's room. We ask him where he got the money from, and he lies about it. We see right through the lie and ask him to tell the truth. He refuses to talk and lies about it for days. Since then, his behaviour has just gotten worse. We're back to violence. We're back to screaming. We're back to lying. And now, with current events, he's been at home, and, as I'm expected to work from home, I can't manage him and get my work done at the same time.I can't believe we're back here again. I swear every time we think he is improving, we find out he's just being smarter about hiding his behaviour and is getting better at manipulating and gaslighting us. I don't know what to do now. I have nothing more to give to him. It feels like we have tried everything we can. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm having a harder time loving him as a son because he's a manipulative liar who is constantly gaslighting us. All I want for him is to be able to gain the skills that he is going to need to be a happy adult who has a job he loves and is able to have meaningful relationships. I'm open for suggestions about how to curb his lying, how to help decrease his violence, and how to help him work independently. These are things we've been working on for years, and I've tried everything I can think of to help him. I seriously have no idea what to do now. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2UG22Yk
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