My daughter is 10 and my son is a toddler. My husband was very hands-off with our daughter, let's call her Annie, ever since she was born, and she was a really tough baby. His hands-off approach was partly my fault because I was paranoid and made him feel like he wasn't doing things right. (In my defense, I did lots of reading about newborn care and he did none, so I was often right!) I think he also wasn't ready to be a dad. So that started things off on the wrong foot, and they never really recovered.I was completely overwhelmed and felt totally alone, so I didn't want to have more kids for a long time. He eventually deeply regretted being uninvolved, and really wanted more kids - I think he wanted a second chance. So we had our son, and it was a whole different experience. My husband absolutely shoulders half the load, maybe more, and he and my son adore each other. I work part-time and he works full-time, but when he's home, he's 100% on. My son follows him around constantly, and he's so patient with him. He carries half the mental/emotional load too, not just the practical hands-on caretaking. I've literally never seen a better father.His new attitude/motivation also helped him work on his relationship with Annie, and that started to improve too.For last Father's Day, I bought my husband a very nice/expensive present and wrote him a long heartfelt letter to thank him for how involved and wonderful he is. It meant a LOT to him.But this year, his relationship with Annie is worse. I'd say 80-90% of what he says to her is telling her what to do or criticizing her for doing something wrong. He rarely knows what's going on in her life and sounds bored when I tell him about it. Here's just one example that I find especially telling. For a graduation ceremony at our school, we had to choose a character quality to honor her for. I asked for his input, and he literally could not think of one good character quality she has. He also told her he might not even go to the ceremony. If you ask me, she's an amazing person. For example, she's a year ahead in school and gets straight A's with almost no supervision. She and I talk about her school a lot because I care about it, but she seldom needs help and she organizes her own time and supplies and works very hard. I simply trust her to get everything done, and done well, and on time.She's also incredibly helpful. For example if I drop my phone, she runs to pick it up before I can even bend over. If her brother is grumpy, she jumps in to cheer him up. If I lay down because I feel sick, she asks if she can bring me anything. If I just mention something that needs to be done, she does it. She notices people's needs and immediately tries to fill them.She reads a lot and is articulate, funny, and smart. She follows all our rules, I don't even have to worry about it. She's confident and brave and has a lot of friends. Grown-ups like her too.He doesn't see or appreciate any of this. He doesn't seem to even know her. I pointed this out, and he said, he has trouble seeing her good sides since he's so frustrated with her flaws. I asked him to point out a few flaws that are so huge he can't see what a cool person she is. He said (a) when she picks up the dog poop, sometimes she misses a pile; (b) her room isn't always clean; (c) she has to be reminded to feed the dogs sometimes.That's it.SHE'S TEN. She's a kid. Of course she has flaws. If those are her worst faults, I think we're doing pretty damn well.So I don't know how to handle Father's Day this year. An expensive present and a lecture? lol. A small present and short/vague card? I'm afraid that would contrast so strongly with last year that it would seem pointed. But it kind of is. But he still does so much for our family that I do want to thank him for it. I don't know. via /r/Parenting http://bit.ly/2HG1tsq
No comments:
Post a Comment