TL;DR is basically the title...(Preface, we legally have 50/50 custody but that’s not how it plays out.)My daughter’s (6) dad (33) lives about two hours away, where he moved to live with his fiancée this past June. Our daughter is on summer break right now, so she has plenty of time to spare.He’s between jobs at the moment, living for free with his fiancée, with his grandparents paying his phone bill and such, having just graduated grad school in May. He’s still looking around for jobs, from what he reports. (He has actually never had a full-time job before. He also recently let me know that he has been “stubborn” about applying to other gigs like coffee shops and whatever else because he wants a “real” job.)I say that because it’s the excuse he used most recently when I asked if he wanted to come out and get our daughter to spend time with her sometime soon. He doesn’t have a job, and he’s “so broke” so he can’t afford the gas to come out. I offered to send him money for gas (which I am 1000% more than happy to do, and would give me joy, to help him if he wants to spend time with her but is struggling to find the means) but he just straight didn’t even respond to that text.Meanwhile, he travels within about an hours’ range at least every other weekend or more to play shows with his band or to see his friends’ bands play. He promotes the shows all over his social media.He moved June 3 and had our daughter for 2 weeks, until about the middle of June. My husband and I then had her until the week of July 4th, when my ex and his fiancée took her with them for a 4-day vacation at his fiancee’s uncle’s lake house. We’ve had her back since then, and my ex/her dad hasn’t seen her since. (I think we’ll have had her about 50 days this summer and he’ll have had her about 21 days when all is said and done.)My husband and I are going to a concert 2 hours away in the middle of this week and planning to stay there overnight and return the next day. I asked my ex if he wanted to have our daughter for the week since he hasn’t had her much this summer.He responded, “Sure!” Then said he’d made plans take her Tuesday night (the day before my husband and I leave) and bring her back Friday (the day after my husband and I get back.) So if you don’t count Tuesday and Friday as full days because of the drive, then he and his fiancée will only be having her 2 full days. It almost feels like he may as well have said, “Sure, I’ll babysit her while you guys take your day trip.”Recently he messaged me to ask if he could have her over Labor Day weekend in September, to which I replied of course. I asked, warmly, if he wanted to have her any other times between this coming week and Labor Day weekend since the school year will be starting, and I know the schedule and the distance make it hard, but that I’d be happy to help make things happen (if he needed gas money, etc.) He does what he always does where he just talks about being sooooo busy with this job search, having so many plans, etc. etc...oh, but we’ll see!He literally NEVER EVER calls or texts to ask about her or ask to talk to her. That sounds like an exaggeration, and I don’t want to say things out of frustration that aren’t true, but I can check my texts and call log and assert that as fact. It makes me sad...the last time she asked to FaceTime him, I texted him first and he said, “Sure, but it’ll have to be fast because we have family visiting.”On August 10, our daughter is having her tonsils and adenoids out. I asked him if he’d be coming out for that and he said, “I have a show on the 11th, so I can’t stay, but I can come out on the 10th if she wants me to.”Her birthday is in September and he already has a show with his band and plans with his fiancée on our daughter’s birthday weekend (her birthday falls on a Monday, so the weekend before that Monday)...he just expects us to make plans for Daughter’s birthday the following weekend. Which is...fine, I guess? But why did he just book that weekend up without even thinking about her? In that text he also said: “We need to plan ahead because our weekends get booked extremely quickly.” WTF? Can you please “book” some time with your daughter then?I’ve brought this distance/behavior up with his dad (who I’m extremely close to, as he basically adopted me) and he just kind of shakes his head and says he knows and it bothers him too. When my ex was a kid, his dad did the same thing—didn’t spend much time with him and wrote it off because “he’s fine, it’s okay” which is what my ex does now with our daughter. My ex-dad-in-law just assures me that he’s talked to him about this before but nothing changes, and that the sad truth is that one day he’ll regret how much of her littleness he missed out on.Moreover, my ex’s distant behavior is nothing new. I’ve brought it up with him before (probably...1, 1.5 years ago?) where it was a regular, highly argumentative conversation between us. My ex and I are actually pretty good friends and co-parent well. Our relationship is pretty warm. But back when I used to bring this up with him more often, he’d push back so hard accusing me of being critical of him, and nothing would change, except for the fact that our relationship as co-parents suffered due to the grudgey-ness and passive aggression, and in the end I decided that it was better that my daughter had parents (with a distant dad) who got along and could be friends, rather than parents (with a distant dad) who hated each other.I also had to ask myself why I was so pushy about the amount of time he spent with her and I realized a lot of it just comes from projection, having had a shit/non-existent relationship with my own dad.My ex is a gentle, loving, sweet, patient, good dad. He and our daughter have their inside jokes. She loves him very much and honestly doesn’t say much about him. She doesn’t ask for him or anything. But as good of a dad as he is when they’re together, he just ISN’T THERE. He doesn’t show up in her life. (At least, I guess, not as much as I feel like he should...which, hey, maybe I should just be grateful and shut up...) When they are together, I often notice that he’s just on his phone. One time, I remember he came over to see her after having not seen her for probably 3-4 weeks. His good friend lives nearby where my husband and I live, so the friend came by at the same time my ex arrived to see our daughter. He gave my daughter a hug and kiss and then sat and hung out talking movies and music with his friend outside for TWO HOURS. Not acknowledging our daughter. Spending time with his friend was more important. Then he said bye to our daughter and went home.I think another thing that kills me is that I had to live apart from her for work for 8 months last year, flying in once a month to be with her for about 10 days at a time while she lived with him full time. When I was apart from her, I made sure a day didn’t go by without her knowing how much I loved and missed and wanted her. We did our bedtime routine with books and songs over Skype. I wrote songs for her, sent her mail, I volunteered with her class when I was in town and even read books to her class over Skype from the city I was in—anything to stay involved, just so she’d know she was #1 with me even if we couldn’t be physically together.He lives 2 hours away and won’t even call her...Anyway, I guess this post is part vent and part question...SHOULD I do anything about this? I’m always concerned about whether or not I should confront his behavior and distance as a way to advocate for my daughter, to stand in her court with her and do whatever I can to ensure she enjoys a rewarding relationship with her dad......but on the other hand, I mean, she has no ill feelings towards him, no apparent longing for him, and is much more attached to me and my husband/her step-dad, and ergo is a pretty happy kid. I don’t wanna muddy that by muddying my relationship with her dad just because I feel like things should be different, even though, perhaps, she has all she needs right now and jostling my good relationship with her dad might negatively affect that...and I don’t wanna get into a fight that’s based more on something I think SHOULD be different (projection) when in reality maybe I just need to get over it and be grateful...If I do try confronting him about it again, what do I say? What can I do or say to make sure he knows how serious this may be in terms of their relationship, without coming off as critical? I don’t really know how to navigate it since the last time I tried, we just ended up fighting. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2LwKKKP
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