Lesbian SIL asked husband to be a known donor — experiences, thoughts, resources?

Throwaway account for privacy.Yesterday, my sister in law asked my husband if he would consider being a donor for the child that her soon-to-be wife will carry. They’re also hoping for one of the wife’s brothers to donate when my sister in law decides to carry.TL;DR: how does having a known donor affect a child’s development? How do you enforce loving boundaries that prioritize the parents role in their upbringing? How do you deal with the loaded nature of the word “dad”? Resources, links to case studies, recommendations for childhood development specialists or counselors or whoever I’m supposed to talk to very much appreciated, I don’t even know where to begin!There are a number of elegant things about this solution — it allows them to feel as though the baby is more biologically “theirs”, it provides a completely known genetic history for the child(ren), it gives the child access to the people instrumental in their creation when they’re building their identities from childhood into adulthood, and it’s absolutely an honor to be included in the process of helping someone to create the family they want.But of course, it is also a serious, complicated thing to ask of someone. For some background — of the two couples (me and my husband, SIL and her fiancée), three of us have terminal degrees. I’m the only one that doesn’t, but that’s because getting a doctorate as a performing artist can actually limit performance opportunities. My career is now taking off, so I am traveling all over the world and doing what I love. The other three are in research-heavy academia. We think deeply, we tend to be able to be objective about our feelings, wants, and needs, and we’ve proven to be good communicators — in our marriages and with each other.My husband and I made the decision to be childfree very early in our twelve year relationship, and have consistently revisited the issue over the years to check in with each other. I was sterilized two years ago (he offered, but I felt uncomfortable infringing on his bodily autonomy and needed my own peace of mind, especially with all the travel in foreign countries that I do), which has been wonderful for us. He is less adamant than I am about reproduction in general, but it has been made very clear in a number of discussions and actions that he would much rather build a life with me than pursue fatherhood with someone else. Children are incompatible with our lifestyle and future goals.We had very difference experiences with our aunts and uncles growing up — my family wasn’t close, really, and we saw the extended family maybe once a year. My husband’s family was very close, and remains so. We’ve had many discussions about the fact that he wants to be present in his nieces/nephews lives (biologically related or not), and trying to figure out what that looks like when we live multiple states away, and both of us frequently travel internationally for work, separately and together. I have no problem fostering a close relationship with nieces/nephews; I’ll likely be pretty useless until they’re 14/16, but even I know that it’s important to lay the groundwork for a good relationship early. I don’t particularly like most children, but I can keep it together for a few hours once they can wipe their own butts.But what happens when there’s a biological connection to your niece/nephew? I feel as though we, the adults in the situation, could deal with any complicated feelings or logistical issues pretty well. We’ll also all have separate legal counsel, my husband would give up all parental rights, and my SIL will adopt the baby.It’s not us I’m worried about, it’s the kid. Most of this will come from having clear boundaries and making the truth of their conception just part of their life story, like bringing up adopted kids to know they’re adopted. I trust my SIL and fiancée to be good parents, but I’m still playing our worst-case scenarios; what happens if the kid gets resentful about not having a traditional “dad” when my husband is right there, but not in the position of father? What happens if the kid wants to call him dad (something that I personally find disturbing to think about)? What happens if, god forbid, the parents are both killed and we’re asked to take the child in? If we were absolutely bar none the only option, we would, but I feel like it would be much less traumatic for a child to go to a family member that already has kids or has experience with kids (we could contribute financially and offer support, but parenting is a whole other level!).More likely, how do we handle a child curious about themselves and their place in the world, who might feel entitled to more of a parent-style relationship with my husband at some point? How does one keep “uncle” boundaries in place without it feeling like a rejection to the kid? How do you not screw up a child?My gut reaction to the whole thing is extreme unease, and my husband has also voiced some of these concerns on his own. On the other hand, he has a good relationship with his sister and has always spoiled her (in a nice way). He wants to be able to give her what she wants. I also don’t want to be the cold-hearted killjoy that prevents them from having a baby in the way that they think is best.Any thoughts, experiences, resources, advice for what type of counselor to look for, any and everything would be very helpful. Thank you! via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2pwkpTC