Guilt

Proud and doting father of an extremely happy six month old boy, the first for my wife and I. Yesterday we had an accident where I slipped on the last stair of our house and he fell out of my arms. He did a backflip in the air and landed right on his back onto our hardwood floor. The image, thud, and piercing cry he let out were the most terrible things I could ever witness. We went immediately to the ER where the CT scan confirmed everything was negative (baby didn’t throw up or black out when he fell, and cried immediately), and the staff was great, very consoling, and all sharing their personal baby injury stories since I was in and out of tears the entire time. Not once were they judgmental, even though they had every right to be. I’m sure seeing me an emotional broken mess and my wife being so strong and composed helped matters.Today we have an appointment with the pediatrician at 4PM and my wife and I have noticed that the baby isn’t lifting or using his left leg (the foot and toes are moving/working), and is sensitive to when it’s moved. He doesn’t lift that leg when we change his diaper now which is a telling sign, and he hasn’t rolled over on that side since, and since he’s a stomach sleeper we’ve had to start putting him on his stomach so he can rest (otherwise he’s inconsolably crying). I know I shouldn’t be googling but all signs seem to point to either a broken leg bone or a dislocated leg, which of course we’ll let the doctor diagnose and trust his instincts and recommendations (we have a great pediatrician).I’m devastated, I have been breaking down in tears non-stop. The guilt and worry are unimaginable. I keep apologizing to my wife and to the baby, both to their credit have been incredible. My wife knew and knows it was an accident, and she’s been so good about helping me process. The baby, with the exception of sensitivity in the leg and in general which has made him fussier, has been such a trooper and laughing and cooing like his general mischievous self. It just hurts so much knowing that even though it really was an accident, that my little boy is hurt because of me. I know it’s really not my fault, and nobody can control losing their balance, but it doesn’t matter, because he still got hurt nonetheless and it kills me. I love him so much, I just want him to be OK. I’d give anything for him to be OK. He’s such a sweet, innocent, and good boy, he doesn’t deserve to be in pain like this, and it kills me to see it. I wish I could take it away. The only bright side to all of this is that it happened to me and not my wife or anyone else. I couldn’t even imagine my wife going through this pain and guilt.For those of you with stairs, please always hold the railing, even on the last step, and only take your baby up and down the stairs with you, don’t be a hero and try to carry everything up at once. Try to go barefoot up and down the stairs if you can so you can feel the stair under you. I know I’m preaching now and everyone has their process, but if this helps any of you avoid this heart-wrenching process, then it’s worth it.Thanks for reading and giving me an opportunity to get this off my chest. Nervously waiting for 4PM. Until then I’ll be holding the little guy tightly and giving him all the hugs and kisses. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2C68lfk