So angry and frustrated with nothing to release it on.

My wife (28) and I (27) care for my niece from my wifes side. She came to us when she was 13 months, that was 2 years ago.We're kinship carers and are currently fighting at court to have parental rights and responsibilities awarded. I live in Scotland.We don't have any children however when got my niece we were trying, and have been ever since, that's was 2 years ago and still nothing. I love her like she's my own but fight it at times as her mother has applied through the court to have her home. The fear of having her go home is unbearable and I get so angry about it, almost every day, I've driven home from work screaming about it. Nothing even specific, just screaming to get the rage out.My job has me interfacing with the worst of the human race. I'm constantly fighting with people and have been in dangerous, high stress environments where my decision making has to be bang on and can be examined if things go wrong.I go to the gym 3 x a week, sometimes I don't know if the violence at work and exertion at the gym helps me or makes it worse.I go through work outs fuelled by hate and feel unable to stop focussing on how much I love her but that she'll never truly be mines and the fact that the stress of it all is contributing to my wife and I being unable to conceive. She calls us mummy and daddy and we play that role but it isn't real.This is a thought I have regularly. I don't think my niece will ever see us as her parents and even at this age, she tells us that she still loves her mum and wants to live with her despite what happened to put her where she is now.This is a rant and is all over the place, I don't expect replies or advice as I don't think anyone has a clue how this feels but fuck it, I needed to dump this somewhere. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/361rPiM