My son hates me and I'm crushed

When he was 18 months, I would load him into a baby backpack and go on long walks in the woods, where I would tell him about the world and how much I loved it that he was here.​This morning, after yet another argument, he told me he likes to push my buttons just to see how far I'll go. Then he asked me to pull over so he could get out because he didn't want to be in the same space as me.​I'm not sure how we got from there to here but it hurts my heart like deep bruise that won't heal, where every move I make causes more pain. I want to go back to when he was a toddler so desperately it makes my bones ache. It's physical, a need to hold him and just listen to him breathe. An urge to do things differently. I want to take the left trail instead of the right. Go home the long way instead of the shortcut. Anything that will change where we are now because I'm living out the life I dreamed I wouldn't: a father who's son can't stand him.​Somewhere along the line I let him down one too many times. I'm not saying that for pity, or out of some sense of false modesty. I really have let him down, and I'm not a great father. I have tried really hard, but I don't do it right. Like, when a kid gets bad grades, good fathers know how to step in and turn things around. I just get mad. Same thing when a kid won't get out of bed. Basically he just does normal teenage stuff, but I don't know how to turn any of it around. I just lose my temper and start arguing.​I know that that, losing my temper and arguing, won't help. I know it's the wrong thing to do. And I can't stop. I keep thinking if I just explain why it's better to try at something than to not try, or that when you make a mistake you need to take responsibility for it, or some life lesson or whatever and he will turn and say, "Hey, thanks for that Dad." But it won't happen because he resents me so much.​I tell myself that I actually am a decent father, and don't get me wrong, I'm better than some of them. But I really have messed it up along the way. And I have to be honest about that. I volunteered for Scouts and I led the church group and I took him to all the practices and I went to all the teacher conferences and sent him to all the camps, and I still messed it up. I have to admit that that's a thing that's possible. You can be there for all of it and still mess it up.​I thought all the good stuff would outweigh the bad, but it hasn't. It didn't.​I see fathers and sons who are close to their sons and I'm so jealous I can hardly think straight. Why aren't we looking for colleges together? Why doesn't he introduce me to any of his friends? Why has he never once asked to spend time with me? Why does he just plain, flat-out not like me? Does he see other dads and wish I could be them?​And actually, Just writing this out, I think I see a little more. I mean, would I like to be around some big huge guy that yells at you if you don't get out of bed? Probably not. Seriously (and it makes me cringe to write this) I would yell at him and ask what more he wanted from me, since I was going to all the things and putting a roof over our heads. Not good, putting that on a kid.​But still and yet, it feels like what it is: being rejected. I accept that I'm not great at being a dad, and that's the absolute truth. I'm not a great dad and I'm not trying to write it up like I am. But I wish being an ok dad, and wanting to be a great dad, trying to be a great dad, counted for more. I get that it doesn't in this case, but I wish it did.​I'm trying to accept the fact that I tried and failed. I mean, not completely. I think my son will turn out to be an amazing man, whatever he decides to do. He has that in him if he wants it. He's a natural leader, and he's really smart, and really charismatic. He's kind to others. I have seen him, in certain situations, become the person he seems to be afraid of being around me.​What I failed at was building a good relationship with him.​I still hold out hope, but only just, because it hurts so much. I am only just now realizing and accepting my part in messing it up in the first place, and he's almost out of the house. I can see these turning points, when I really look back honestly, and I so deeply wish I could change them.​I'm not taking all the blame. Relationships are two-way. But I am taking all the blame for the dad part. My son doesn't like me at all because of the dad I've been.It hurts. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2BCU09P