Last year (6 months ago), my life (along with the direction I was heading) was shook to it's very core as my son died due to complications during child birth. My partner was advised a couple of weeks before the due date to have a caesarean as the baby was not moving as well as they would have hoped. During the preparation process of the caesarean, we were both assured by the medical team that everything would be okay and that we would be greeting our son shortly.After around 15-30 minutes, our son was born and quickly handed off to a team in the corner of the room who started to work on his breathing…to be honest, I’m not sure what they were doing, but it looked as though they did so I continued to peak over the curtain every so often to look for any vital signs to show everything was okay. It became apparent very quickly that things were not okay. Face’s which not that long ago held smiles reverted to neutral stares. The room was all of sudden full of people. I couldn’t even see my son as he was surrounded by a team of medical personnel. My ex was constantly asking me questions about how he look’s and if he’s okay which I couldn’t answer. I was stuttering, I started shaking…I was pretty useless. It felt like another 30mins before I started to see people disappear from the room, I think that was the moment I knew categorically that he was gone. Strangely enough, the staff which were left in the room, all started crying which made an horrific situation slightly better. And by better, I mean in that moment it filled my heart with such love in humanity to know that these people I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting cared.Before I continue on, I think it’s important to give some context to my feelings which arose after the event of losing my son. My ex-partner did some things which I know she’s not proud of over two years ago with which I made the decision to take her back. Without going into too much detail, it involved lying to me so I would make financial decisions unknowingly to aid her father’s debts (secret bank cards & buying his house) along with further lies when we were on a break (moved a guy into my house after a couple of weeks and lied to everyone for a month until she was caught out, pregnant with his child after two months and had abortion…lots). I shouldn’t have gone back but I believe I did it so I could be with my daughter who was around 1.5 at the time.After around two months of the loss of our son, I started to feel different towards my partner. I didn’t trust her, started to become paranoid when she started going out and I felt the emotion of what happened two years ago start to seep in. In the end I selfishly took the decision to move away from her and my daughter who’s now 4. I understand that it was the worst kind of timing and trust me when I say this, I know how much of a bad person I am for leaving her at the point when she needed me the most but I just could'nt/can’t be with her. A switch flipped in my head and I don’t believe I ever got over what she did.So on to the present day (honestly I’m nearly done now), my daughter refuses to see me without being with her Mom and I don’t feel like I’m any further forward in grieving the loss of my son. I’m 30 years old, I exercise daily, I don’t drink alcohol or take drugs and I would say that my diet is pretty good. I’ve lost over a stone since January and according to my BMI I’m no longer overweight. But still I wake up from nightmares with tears streaming down my face and my daughter will only see me with her Mother which as much as I want to see my daughter, I feel is bad idea at the moment as things are still pretty raw between me and Mom. All I want is to spend time with my daughter which at this precise time I can’t have without my ex being around or physically taking her away from her Mom which I will not do. Has anybody else been in a similar situation and come through the other end? Any tips for dealing with mothers in this situation (non-threating manner)? Will time heal me and bring my daughter back into my life? via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2Hb2DMH
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