TLDR at the bottom.My partner and I have been together for a few years now, before we got too serious we discussed kids. I come from a large family, and she comes from a small family. When we first talked about it, I thought I wanted a lot of kids, and ended up deciding I wanted about four, and she wanted around 2-3. We decided 3 would probably be the ideal number for us. We we're so naive as to think life with children would be easy, especially considering her health issues, so we decided to reassess after each one to make sure we still wanted another. She also made it very clear she wanted a girl before we were done. We couldn't conceive naturally so we got some help to make our "Science baby" (meaning she took some hormone medication.)Fast forward and we have the most perfect little boy. As far as babies go, we got lucky. He was still a baby, so he had very demanding needs, but overall we knew we had it on easy mode. We were also lucky that my job gave me paid parent time off so I could be there for mom and baby without having to worry about the our bills(anymore than we already did at least.) While our son was the best he could be, life was still very difficult, seemly endless nights merging into days, the exhaustion was the worst(for me, the guy that didn't have to push out the baby). I do poorly with no sleep, besides getting cranky(read as angry and hard to deal with) sometimes my body decides sleep is the only option and I won't wakeup unless the house is on fire, and even then, only maybe. Because of this, there were a couple of times I sleepwalked to take care of our baby, and in my sleep, decided to bring him to bed. Later my wife wakes to find our boy (alive and comfortably sleeping) between us, and she is justifiably worried how he got here.Fast forward again, our son is now a year old. He's not just crawling or walking, he's running and climbing, and even signing to us to talk. He is so wonderful, still our perfect boy. Through the ups and (a lot) of downs(things life threw at us, not our son's fault) we made it through the first year, and we're in a much better place, literally. We moved out of the cheapest, run down apartments into another town closer to work and of much better quality. I have a new job that lets me work from home 2 days a week to care for our son while my wife works her part time job. The pay bump allows us to afford what we need and work on paying the debit we increased during the last year. Though life is arguably better now, our lives are still chaotic. Our house is a constant mess, and we (almost) never have time for friends or other social events. We make time for family, but the family we mostly see is her emotionally abusive mother.In December we decided to start trying again. She got her hormone medicine, and starting taking it(despite how hard it is on her). Right before it was time to start trying, I expressed concern in the wisdom of trying for a second, because we had been having some rather large fights. We moved past the issues that caused the fights, and decided we would continue with our plan because of that. Unlike the first time, medication didn't work at first. We tested and double tested but no luck, so we got a refill of the same dose. Now, she just finished the hormones, and we're supposed to try in a couple days. I realized two days ago when I was gone for an extra long day at work that day's at home with our son is hell on her physically, which is why she is always begging me to leave early on my work days, and trying to get me to stay as long as I can in the mornings. It's making me feel guilty because I enjoy a little bit of time outside of the house, even if it's just at work. I started questioning if adding a second would make things too challenging, and after thinking more about it, I don't want to go back to barely having money to scrap-by, and sleepless nights, and everything else a second baby will add challenges to. I'm worried the stress will bring out the worst in me again. And selfishly, I'm worried I won't have anytime for me/fun things by myself. I already don't see the bulk of my friends, and video game( or other just me time) is very limited. I'm almost convinced I don't want another at all, but I know she wants 3, especially she wants a girl. When I expressed doubt the first time we tried in December, she told me she would resent me if I changed my mind so late, especially after she already had to go through the pains of the hormones. But because we worked through our issues, and I thought I wanted at least a second, I agreed to try.If anyone has advice, or just their own experience/two cents, I don't know who to talk to, so I come to the internet..thank you.TLDR: We agreed we wanted three kids, had one, started trying for a second, now I (probably) don't want more than one, wife wants at least one more. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2Ugfl0v
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