Just got through the hardest 18 months of my life

I can only write this having finally come through the other side. I have 3 children (9,8 and 8 months.) pre third pregnancy, I was never an 'angry mum'. I seldom raised my voice, sat with my kids to calm a tantrum and used time outs. I hated yelling and never saw hitting as an effective punishment.When I got pregnant, I started to change. I would frequently yell and I even hit my daughter once. If my children came near me I was like an over protective wolf, batting them off. I tried to talk to people but everyone told me it was normal, pregnancy is tiring etc etc.Then the baby came. I got worse, so so so much worse. I could cry thinking about it. I yelled ALL THE TIME. I snapped, belittled and then the worst; I hit my children 3 times. I was disgusted in myself; I could see my children looking at me in fear.Again, I asked for help but everyone played it down; baby blues etc etc. It got to a point where I new this couldn't go on any longer- I told my doctor. I didn't leave anything out, I was painfully explicit. He didn't scold me; I was sent to a psychiatrist and put on medication. I got a postnatal depression diagnosis and started reading books about mums dealing with rage. We got a social worker and went through therapy (which we still attend.)The therapist wrote up a contract with my children that we all had to agree to; no violence was at the top of my list. The therapist explained in extremely basic terms the concept of PND and although I don't expect my children to forgive me (I wouldn't) I believe they at least now sort of understand.I suppose I'm posting this to say; if you feel like you can't cope at any time, there is hope. I can finally sit here today and know that I love my children and would never lay a hand on them ever again. At the end of every day I mark down another hitting free. If I had just continued as I was going and ignored my gut god knows where I would be. Speaking out is the hardest part but it is so worth it, take it from me via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2wz8PXn