Ok so I’m going to apologize in advance bc my post is going to be very long and I appreciate anyone who sticks around to read and provide advice.I’m going to start from the get-go and will try to be short but to the point so you can understand more.So, before my kid I was in a relationship of six years but ended it bc of various reasons I will not get into bc that’s a whole ‘nother story within itself. Currently, I am with that boyfriend of 6 years. I now live with him and my baby. The baby is not his and we are okay with that.After my break up with my bf of 6 years. I met the father of my baby. We dated for 6months and all was great until I found out he was a lying, cheating, manipulative coke-head. Before this, I was walking on clouds. Head of heels for this guy. So much so that I wanted a family with him. All was right and beautiful and idk wtf I was thinking but I do not regret my baby what’s so ever.After I found out a shit load of bullshit and ended my relationship with my baby’s father, I found out I was pregnant. At the time, he kicked me out of the place we were living in bc I found out somethings he didn’t want me to know (cheating) and I didn’t have anywhere to go but my x of five years let me live in the apt we both used to live in. (He was still in love with me) and I don’t have anyone here in Florida. We remained friends as I dealt with my break-up. As soon as I confirmed my pregnant wit the hospital, I told my x. He insisted we get back together but I wasn’t for it. Didn’t love him, had much hate for him.So the father of my baby knows I’m pregnant yet he insists it’s not his. He says it’s my x’s bc I’ve been living with him. He, like the asshole he is, cuts off all communications with me. Goes ghost and I feel like my world is crashing. My mom decides to buy me a plane ticket back home to jersey bc she feels I should’ve do this alone and or with my x.Move back home, everything’s great. 8 months in my x comes to my baby-shower. (bc we were best friends before getting together and remained friends) while with my family and being single, we had much time to talk and admit what went wrong with our relationship. I spent many nights thinking maybe we could work things out bc when we broke up, I just wanted to run-away. It felt like whenever we would talk n try to work shit out, I was talking to a wall. So he comes down and we decide let’s give this a-go. He’s great with my son and honestly, I’m happy he is. He’s sad he’s not his but he’s happy we’re together and I am too. I regret leaving him but at the time, so much toxic shit was happening, I couldn’t take it. Let me also mention that I moved to Florida with him when I was 16 and graduated High School,Ok so fast forward to August, I’m still living in jersey with my parents and my bf of five years is still living in Florida. We’re making plans to live together with my new baby and make everything work. Here’s where stress comes in.I’m not supposed to be living with my parents as they get section 8 and I’m no longer on the lease so somehow someway they find out I’m living there and threaten to take s8 away from them. My parents are going through a very tough financial situation with my siblings (3) and of course I can’t let them lose S8 so my bf buys me a ticket to Florida a couple days after finding out bc I have nowhere else to go and am jobless as I just had a baby but also living in NJ is tough bc rent is stupid high not to mention the assistance I was getting from the government was nearly little to nothing. I’m obviously very upset about this bc I love my family and they’ve become very attached to my baby plus I don’t have support in Florida other than my bf.Now I’m in Florida and freaking hurricane Irma comes along. Mind you, for the six years I’ve lived in Florida I’ve never experienced a hurricane so I’m very upset this happened now that I have a baby.Now onto the parenting part, my precious baby boy is 6 months, going on 7 tomorrow. After all the shit I’ve been through I feel I have post partum depression in which I shrugged off 3 months into having my baby bc I had family and felt that it was just a phase and maybe a lot of stress from being a new parent and being unable to get my baby to sleep and all the new great things of becoming a parent.I’m planning on going to the docs soon to verify PPD. I hit almost every symptom. - I have thoughts of hurting my baby (which makes me feel like a fucking monster and I cannot stop crying about it bc I look at him and would never ever hurt him) - I feel like having him was a mistake (only when I’m frustrated so I feel this) - serious mood swings. One moment I’m happy and feel like we’ll be fine n I can take on the world and the next, I’m yelling and I feel like I hate my baby. (Which I don’t, I love him to piece even though he’s such a pain in my ass but what baby isn’t???) - I eat and eat and eat bc it’s the only thing that makes me feel better and content for the moment. - when I lose my patience with him, my dog or my boyfriend, I am one ugly intense angry monster and the shit I say makes me think how can god have blessed me with such a beautiful healthy baby boy and how can anyone freaking love me. - I have insomnia. I don’t sleep much. Now I am forcing myself but i still feel so tired and restless. - I have trouble bonding with my baby. I can kiss him all day long and I try my hardest to bond with him but when we’re together, I think “wtf am I suppose to do with you?” I try going for walks, playing with him but how much is enough? Am I suppose to do this all day???The only time i have patience and think clearly (about my baby and his needs, that is) is when I smoke marijuana. Now I know I’m going to be called a bad parent for this (I have stopped since I am breast feeding and whenever I smoke my thoughts race to the point where I give myself panic attacks but once they pass, I feel more productive and energized and positive...I get serious mood swings but I swear once I get over my negative thoughts, weed helps me so much. It helps me calm down 100%)I get frustrated the most when nap times and bedtime occur. My baby fights it and throws tantrums! I know it’s bc of my stress and he can feel my negative energy towards him plus I yell at him and afterwards cry and feel so fucking guilty... I can’t get him on a routine and idk how to go about it. I try everyday but it feels like his sleeping pattern isn’t consistent and he looks so tired so I force rock him to sleep and he gets so angry. He’s also displaying signs of anger. He throws his fists and arches his back.As I said, I am going to look for help. Don’t ask me about my bf helping me bc that’s a definite no. Like I said, he’s good with my baby and he helps when he can like carrying him, playing with him but that’s it and I’m grateful for it, I really am but it’s not enough. I can never get alone time. I always with my baby and fear leaving him with a stranger.My bfs schedule is, I wanna say fucking bs. I’m holding anger bc of this. He works from 11pm-730am then live streams gaming on twitch. (he makes SOME money off of it) it’s his hobby. He does this everyday from 10am-230ish pm. Then sleep from 4pm till 930pm. We rarely spend time (this was one of the reasons we broke up) I don’t want him to stop his hobby that makes him happy. We’ve had many fights over it but I’d feel very guilty if he stopped. Also, we’ve living with his parents and we have to move out by next month.....I have so much stress that I keep shoving down my throat, telling myself I’m not going through shit but I am..I can’t be wrong for feeling the way I feel....In addition: his parents r never home so i clean, cook, do laundry, and all that fun stuff. ALONE. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2wKCoc1
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