Becoming a father made me afraid.

{Long post, but just my thoughts}It wasn’t until my daughter was born that I realized just how much that aspect of life had changed for me.I didn’t grow up affected by the death of a close friend or family member. Even now as an adult, the closest deaths to me have been pets. My father’s parents were too distant for us to build any solid bond with, though I do remember my grandmother as being someone very pleasant. I was 10 when she passed. My grandfather never made much effort to have a relationship with us. My mother’s parents made every effort to have a relationship with us and were a big part of our lives. As I got older, I became more self-centered and stopped visiting them or returning phone calls. They moved away in the middle of the night and whenever the last time I saw them was the last time that I saw them. My grandfather passed away when I was about 29. My grandmother now has dementia. As far as I know, she doesn’t have a single memory of who I am. It’s odd to think of how much effort they put into being a part of the lives of my brother and I, only for us to simply stop making the effort to be part of theirs. Aside from odd, it’s extremely sad. It’s not like we tried to actively avoid them, I think we just grew up and started living our own lives. By the time they flew in the night, I think I’d come to some sort of weird terms with where my relationship was with them. I’ll speak for myself when I say that, I know I’m, at least mildly, self-centered. In some fashion, I’ve always been that way. I’m sure there are lots of reasons I could dig up for use as an excuse. I’ve made an effort to change that in myself as I’ve gotten older. When we’re young, most of us are quite self-centered. Especially, in our 20’s. I mean, single and reckless, who the hell else are we going to ‘centered’ on? The trait has certainly faded in me. I don’t think I’m self-centered enough to negatively impact the well-being of those that I care for, but certainly enough for me to recognize that it could (still) use some shaping up.In any case, I’ve never been heavily impacted by the death of someone close to me. Enter my, perfectly alive and well, daughter. You grow up hearing about how everything changes when you have kids or that you’ll understand when you have kids of your own one day. It’s hard to grasp the concept of something that you literally have zero concept of or context for until it happens to you. If you are currently childless with plans to one day be a parent, trust me when I say, they’re right. Everything changes when you have kids. It is a unique experience that will only ever be specific to you when it happens. Good, bad, indifferent, it is like a fingerprint. No one can ever experience exactly what you do when your child is born. You’ll understand when you have kids of your own one day.As a father, I was elated when my daughter was born. Looking at this little, tiny human that was literally part of who I am was something that was otherworldly and, honestly, took months for me to begin to wrap my mind around. I will say, becoming a father was instant, but building the bond took time. Mom gets to bond with the child in a way that Dad can never fully comprehend, no matter how hard he tries. For me, I knew I was going to do everything required of me to make life easy for my wife while she was recovering. I had 15 days off of work. I slept when she slept, I woke up when she woke up, I wrote down every feeding, I fetched everything my wife or the baby needed. I was happy doing all of these things. Unfortunately, my bond with my daughter didn’t grow until she was old enough to begin really interacting with me. It’s just how it goes. I knew that I’d fight and protect her with everything available to me from the day she was conceived, but the life altering bond didn’t happen until she started smiling at me, laughing at me, and then walking around looking for me when I wasn’t there, and then telling me that she loves me. That’s when it begins and then never stops growing.That’s when I started also getting very scared. I’ll be driving home from work or lying in bed trying to get to sleep for the night… a stray thought will enter my mind. One of those ‘what if’ type thoughts. What if she’d been in the car with me when I was rear ended last year? What if she makes it to the street before I’m able to reach her? Random thoughts like that. We live in a neighborhood seated in a rural area, what if my wife takes her out for a walk and someone’s dog gets loose? Then there are stories you hear of other people’s children that simply freak you the hell out and make you want to stop thinking altogether. I think in some aspect, it’s normal to have thoughts like these. I love this child so much that it is literally incomprehensible even to myself. So I’m naturally going to worry over her well-being. I came across something work related that made mention of Sandy Hook and it was a completely different feeling. At that point, the concept of ever not having my daughter scared the shit out of me. It was a feeling of fear and despair that has no words. The life fact of death had impacted me in a way that I’d never experienced and nothing had even happened. Just momentarily having the thought of being in the shoes of one of those parents terrified me beyond anything I can put words to. I wanted to drop what I was doing right then and go get her to hug her. I thought of her being upset when she got scolded for doing something (she didn’t actually know it was wrong) and how she had that slow build cry with her lip stuck out and her eyes welling up with tears and how I absolutely never want to see that look on her face because of me again. (Its seriously the most heartbreaking look a child can give, especially when they don’t exactly know that what they were doing is wrong.) It is absolutely insane what your child can do to your world. She has done nothing but make me better. I’ve also learned fear in a way I never knew I could. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2FYenB4