Ethics and morals are different for mom and dad. How do I help my 9-year-old find the right path?

My kids' father and I have been divorced since our youngest was a newborn and our oldest was 2. We have very different parenting styles. My style is to teach the kids to be ethical, moral, responsible, caring, etc. My husband does the same. Lots of focus on the feelings of others and how would this make you feel?My ex focuses on doing things with them and not really teaching them, but when he does teach them, he teaches them to "get what they want". He will tell them that it's ok to lie as long as the other person doesn't find out. He shows them how to manipulate and rewards them for manipulations. (For example, if they say they love him more than someone else or that they hate someone he says he hates, he gives them ice cream.) His wife focuses on "being proper". For example, they have to sit at the table and give her this little please and thank you speech in exactly the words she wants them to use for them to be fed.In our house, we teach please and thank you but the lesson is about being thankful and appreciative and recognizing how you would want someone to treat you if you did something for them. Just different.Our daughter is about to turn 9 and we recently moved into a new neighborhood. In her effort to make friends, she has turned into someone I don't know. Where our daughter always was so kind and respectful, she is now being rude to her little brother to show off to these new friends. She breaks the rules. She is manipulative, dishonest, and snotty. As a result, she now has these two best friends. I don't like them. And I really don't like how she is acting.I have had a few conversations with her about how would she feel about being treated that way, but then she gets the total opposite message from her dad. And he is proud of her for being this way and making friends this way.Anyone have any good tips on this? I need to figure out if I am in the wrong here and this is really what I should be letting the kids learn, or how I get through to them to find their inner good person regardless of what one parent is saying. I'm just so confused and sad. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2aKgo6g