Figuring out life again.

This will be my first Reddit entry ever and I am pretty excited for it since I can finally vent anonymously to strangers instead of fake friends and their fake empathy. 😬 For the past 4 almost 5 years of my life I’ve been pretty isolated due to my living situations and life choices (aka a toxic relationship). After 4 years though and an 1 about to be 2 year old I finally decided to reclaim my life and break away from my baby father. I moved back with my parents but the things I experienced those past 4 years apparently traumatized me. I’ve been dealing with clinical depression since I was like 8 or 9 so during those hard time with my baby father I was so disconnected that life back then almost felt like a movie. I never realized I was subconsciously being affected even though I knew the life I was living wasn’t ‘normal’. Since I moved back with my parents and everything seems to be back to normal (consistency in a place to live, food to eat, no extreme poverty, drug use or violence) all of a sudden I’ve been dealing with the worst anxiety/panic attacks ever. It’s like everything I was suppose to feel back then when shit was crazy I’m feeling now that everything is normal and it’s overwhelming. I’ve been to many psychologists/psychiatrist for my depression when I was younger but I finally agreed to see a therapist for my anxiety. They concluded I have PTSD and panic disorder as well as clinical depression and I’m suppose to see a psychiatrist soon. I worried they’ll put me on medication (I’ve had bad experiences in the past with meds) but at this point I’m not able to sleep and whenever I do, within 5-10 minutes of waking up I’m running to the bathroom to throw up. I don’t like to talk to anyone about this in fear they’ll assume I’m an unfit mother but my therapist assured me that a lot of moms go through anxiety and depression. My daughter means everything to me and is the reason I had to strength to get away from my baby father. I just want the past to be behind me so I can move forward but these panic attacks keep bringing me back. There is so much more to say about the past 4 years with my baby father and the past 9 months of being home (new boyfriend/fiancé and other troubles) but I’ll stop this entry here since it’s getting long. Not sure if anyone is going to read this but I felt good letting it out. Thank you. 🖤 via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2ZItERk