Kids' dad's wife wants to talk

**Sorry for the long post but I'm hoping maybe someone has logical, impartial thoughts to this that I can ponder over because I'm emotional about this**​This morning, I woke up to texts from my ex's current wife, M, asking me to call her sometime today to discuss the possibility of my kids going to spend some time in Montana this summer with them. Some background to this, my ex, R, and I got together when I was 21 and he was 24. He was just getting out of a divorce and I was stupid. I can honestly say that the events that happened after that were my fault too. We were not good for each other, but he was a "single dad" who just wanted to be with his kids, and his evil ex wasn't letting him be there for them. (She wasn't really evil. I don't know what prompted her to leave the kids with me while she moved to New Mexico, but I know it all wasn't her fault ashe made it seem.) So of course, the stupid girl with the daddy issues, me, jumped in to "save him" and help him take care of his kids, because they were his life. How could I not, when I knew what it meant to grow up without a father? So we moved in together, and had his first two kids and then I had our two kids. By the age of 24, I was raising 4 kids, while he was out partying up and getting high and cheating on me. That became the norm for my life. He and I stayed together off and on "for the kids and because he really wanted to be a real family and be the dad his father hadn't been". I would leave him, he would cry and be sorry, I would go back, he would cheat, then make it my fault and I would leave. That was the life I was giving our kids. Each time I went back to him, the fighting got worse and the hurt starting lasting longer. He would beat me and the police would show up, drag him away, lock him up, he would get bailed out, I'd go to court and say I wasn't scared, and things would be ok for a few months, until they weren't. I don't blame him for all of it. I went to the classes for domestic abuse. I went to the court hearings. I spoke to counselor after counselor, but I didn't get it. He almost killed me several times, and the last time he tried in 2010, I was finally scared enough to pack up our two kids, get on a bus, and go to Texas where he couldn't find us. I fled. He realized we were gone when I stopped answering his calls, texts, emails, fb mssgs. We were in hiding. Kids were 6 and 5 at this point, and had seen and heard too much. I allowed it to happen. I hated myself for doing to them what I swore I would never do - expose them to the cycle of domestic abuse as I had been as a child. This wasn't normal, and I was telling my kids that it was by staying with him! He was furious when he found out that I had "kidnapped his children" and filed a poilice report. We were never married, but mostly, the domestic abuse charges against him, I think is what saved me and kept me from having to bring back the kids to the state he was in. He was eventually arrested for a probation violation. I didn't know he was on probabtion for lewd and lascivious behavior with a 16 yro girl, until after he was arrested for drugs the fall of 2010. Life was scary. I was now a single mom of two kids, didn't have work, didn't have a car, didn't have anyting but the clothes on our backs and the bag of clothes I had for the kids. We ended up staying in Texas for 2 yrs and I was able to get us an apt and found a great job with some amazing ppl who gave a struggling single mom a chance to be more when no one else did. Lots of nights of crying myself to sleep, but I kept on because that's what moms do. We keep going on for our kids. They deserved betther. When we returned to our home state, he was still in prison and the kids and I were placed in a battered women's shelter for 18 mos, because I needed the help. I knew I couldn't stay broken. I hadn't dealt with my issues while we were in Texas, but I knew it was time. It took me years to get a great job that I love, and a stable home for my kids and now they are these AMAZING teenagers that I know I don't deserve, but somehow love me in spite of it all.​R was released from prison in 2012 on parole with the condition that he leave the state and go back to Montana. While he remained on parole, he wasn't allowed to come back to our home state. I was grateful. Our home became a code red home, a system that was put in place because of the domestic violence. When he got out, he swore he changed. He wanted to be a family. He begged me to move myself and the kids out to Montana to be with him. I didn't. I'd worked too hard on myself and on us as a family to take that risk. Because he had "changed" I made the effort to let him have contact with the kids. A phone call here and there, because he was never reliable and would always have an excuse about why he missed a birthday or a holiday call. I tried. When he started letting my kids down again, I said no more. I decided that if they wanted to have a relationship with him, that I would let them make that choice on their own when they got older. He's seen the kids twice in the last 7 years, and that was because we went to visit my in laws, and he happened to show up to see them, but always with a different woman who was the love of his life and their future step mom. None of them stayed. Kids have thrived. It's essentially been us three against the world for so long, so they don't miss him. Now that they are older, I've told them that if they wanted to get to know R, they don't call him dad, they could and that I wouldn't be upset. They still say no. R has remarried a nice lady, M, and I am sure he is fantastic to her and her kids and her grandkids. He's found God, and I'm happy he has something to hold on to keep him on the straight and narrow, but I just don't think that I should have to encourage my kids to have a relationship with him. She says we need to confront him and forgive him for ourselves, and that it eats him up inside for what he's done to us in the past. I know she means well, but Christ, it infuriates me that she keeps begging on his behalf. I already said no. I already said my kids don't want to have anything to do with him. He hasn't paid any child support, and is THOUSANDS of dollars in arrears. I've never asked him for a cent. I have done this on my own. She offered to pay me half of what he owed in child support if I would let them go to Montana for a few weeks. WTF. I am not selling my children. It isn't about the money. Argh! I don't want to speak with her. The kids said no. I said no. I want what's best for my kids...so I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong and should push for it. He's essentially a stranger to them...so maybe I'm not wrong. TIA via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2K5n4O5