Long post...TLDR at the bottom. But I'm at the end of my rope here. I made this account for marriage advice but that marriage advice has caused (in my opinion) the need for parenting advice. So I have three adult children. Two of which are still at home. Back when they were underage, I ran a tight ship. They helped in the kitchen every day on a rotating shift of setting the table, clearing the table, and unloading the dishwasher. They were weekly assigned a common area of the house to pick up clutter in that rotated. And on top of that, if they had weekend plans their laundry and rooms had to be cleaned before they left.As they became teenagers, my husband became less involved with enforcing the rules. The kids run all over me, because they know the only tool I have in my belt is yelling about it but I don't have the power or presence to enforce compliance. The house in the past 5 years has become gradually more gross. The newer house rules are simpler, but put more of a burden on me. They are supposed to keep their rooms clean. Clean up after themselves in the kitchen and bathroom and pick up anything that's theirs in the common areas. And I am responsible for cleaning the common areas and deep cleaning the kitchen.The kids literally trash their rooms. Dirty laundry everywhere. Empty bowls and food growing mold, fast food bags, and food wappers. The dog used to go out when the kids came home from school at 3ish so he expects to be let out when the first person comes home. But they stopped doing that and he retaliates by peeing in that person's room if they don't walk him when they come home. My daughter's (18yr) room reeks of dog pee because she is home all the time. She sleeps in until noon. She failed out of her final year of highschool and accepts little responsibility for it she blames it all on her advisor. She will be graduating HS this quarter (hopefully) after doing summer school, and she will graduate with an AA. She's a smart kid but chose to shit her last year and is paying for it by having to go a lot longer. Her car broke down on her birthday back in April. That sent her into a tailspin. She then rolled and totaled our jeep (no ticket because she and her friends said it was a deer). The insurance money $5000 from the jeep was used as a downpayment on her car - husband's decision. He allowed her to get a sports car. Her phone broke and she needs it for work and the insurance deductible on that was $200, so I paid it. Then she needed work pants that was another $55. Then she smashed the tire of the new car into a curb last month and did a bunch of damage. She didn't have the money to repair it so again husband bails her out for $600 more dollars to repair the wheel so she can get to work. In the meantime she borrowed MY CAR. She makes her car payment but barely has the funds to begin paying back the $5,855 of debt that she's racked up in the last 5 months.The 20 year old son is on the spectrum. He moved out at 18, to an apartment we had downstairs. He could barely make rent. He had friends over at all hours of the night. Two moved in. It was trashed. They had garbage piled to the walls and all over the floor. When the moved out they literally threw out pots because the stuff in them was so moldy and smelly. He was broke although he has a good job. He didn't have the boundaries to tell his friends no. With being on the spectrum he couldn't see that they were just using him and his apartment as a free rent and free pizza zone. He sold my TV, and his gaming system to make rent (didn't tell us or we would have waived rent that month), but he finally got to the point where he realized that moving out on his own was a bad idea and that he couldn't deal with the responsibility of it. So now he comes home from his hard manual labor job, and plays video games on the new TV and new gaming system he bought. He plays from the moment he gets home until he finally falls asleep, wash, rinse, repeat. He spends all his money on video games and cigarettes and friends. He has no savings and pays only his car insurance and comes out of his room only to pee and eat.Other daughter moved out at 18 and is successfully making ends meet with her boyfriend.So on Sunday night I had family dinner with all five of us. Went to go set the table and we had 4 forks. There wasn't another fork to be found in the whole house. The set I've had for 15+ years had 12 and last year I bought an additional 8. Now I have 4. And it was the fork that broke the camel's back.On Monday night I called a family meeting - and it went to shit. I lost my temper. I was 100% honest that I take the abuse (and I do see it as abuse) personally. That I feel like they take advantage of me, that they use me and yet they don't value me, my home or my things (like forks). After I make my case that they are constantly abusing me, my daughter gets angry at me. She says that I treat her like I don't want her there because I yell at her. I went to marriage counseling ages ago and one of the things that I was told is that I need to lower my expectations and set reasonable goals for the kids. In doing so, I will tell my daughter to clean her room, a week later it's not done, I remind her. Two weeks still not cleaned, three weeks still not cleaned and the toilet in the bathroom is now molding, four weeks and the bathroom floor is littered with empty shampoo bottles and used razors and the sink is covered in makeup. And then I begin yelling as I clean up the filth. That is how low the expectations have become.I began boycotting making dinner. Cooking is the only thing that really brings me joy. 6-9 months ago if the kitchen was dirty I'd yell and scream about the mess that I had to clean up before being able to cook. But now I just don't cook. But I feel like that is punishment not to them, but to me. Because they don't mind eating noodles or going out to eat on their own dime. So ultimately my husband will clean up after he makes himself a meal and I'll forego eating. It's been great for my waist but bad for my soul. But I stopped yelling, unless it's a real blow out mess like the bathroom or sometimes the kitchen is when I get home.I blew up at my husband after the family meeting. I stayed in this relationship after his affairs so that I wouldn't lose my kids. But now because he was only willing to ever be the fun parent, he still wins. He still has the kids in love with him, and thinking that I am the bad person because I'm not willing to take the abuse any longer. And somehow I am the bad person.I think I want out. I'm over it. I'm tired of the abuse. I'm tired of them all making it seem like my expectations are unreasonable. If I have to be honest, my daughter isn't wrong. I do want her out. I want her to get an apartment and trash it and lose her security deposit and have to pay her bills and not have us bail her out. I want tough love. But I also want out of this toxic relationship that is my marriage that has made it possible for me to be treated like a doormat.What to I do? My kids are the most important things in my life. They are the only reason I stayed in this marriage and I feel like no one even cares.Edit...forgot to add the TLDRTLDR: Adult children are taking advantage of my home and hard work. Trash the house routinely. And now daughter is angry that I'm angry at the abuse after racking up almost 6K in debt in the last few months. I'm mad at the husband for enabling it and mad at the children for abusing me. I do want them out, but I don't want to alienate them. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2D9adHi
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