Disclaimer: If you spank, that is your thing. I am not here to say it is wrong. It is just not for me since I was physically abused my entire life. This is long but I am young, inexperienced, and kind of scared. I hope someone can help me.Hi all. Hope this sort of post is allowed. I am a brand new parent to a 7 week old little boy, and at 23, a pretty new adult in general. I already have been struggling with my mother in law, who has already disrespected my parenting. She has also been a terror to me since I met my husband at 16. I am afraid the situation is going to keep escalating, and after this weekend, I really need some advice or support.Some background: My mother in law has always been opposite of me. Conservative while I am liberal, old fashioned while I am more creative and free thinking, an advocate of authority while I am more gentle. She runs a daycare and has had history of putting 5 year olds in hour long timeouts and telling them to "jump because I say so." She frequently trash talks her daycare parents, saying they are not raising their children right and that she needs to teach them. She is sexually aggressive. She has slept with one of the daycare dads and talks about her sexual exploits while around me. I have never said anything about this as this has taken place in her house and I was also young. I also am terrified of confrontation due to being raised by abusive parents. I hoped that her attitude would stop outside the home, and it has not. She visits my home with this same energy and with a baby, it has been a nightmare. My husband, who is usually a very macho, take charge kind of man, becomes a neutered wimp around her. At just 7 weeks in, I am afraid I have opened the door to a monster of a grandparent.The Incident This Past Weeked: I was experiencing a bad bout of post partum depression when my husband read the room really well (sarcasm) and asked if his mother could come by. He knows she stresses me out. As I am afraid of confrontation, I said yes. By the time I turned around and told the truth, she was here. She had asked to come over on a whim while shopping down the street. This is a minor issue, although it is irritating because I have told both of them I like notice. This is because I have anxiety and in truth, like to emotionally prepare myself for this woman.Anyway, the night progresses and she is holding my son. When she comes over it is mostly for him. She will run right over to me and ask to hold him first thing, when the two of us are already happy and I am holding him. At times I try to say "no, I would like to hold my son." But then I run out of excuses and give him to her.The reason I don't like her holding my son so much is because she never gives him back. And if I tell her I need him back, she will criticize me. For instance, I will tell her I need to feed him every 2 hours by doctor's orders and she will go, "Really? You're going to wake him up from sleep?" She will also say things to my son I do not like. For instance, things like, "Oh you are so freezing aren't you. Mom and dad like it soo cold," or, "If mom and dad aren't good to you grandma is doing to have to beat them up." Even, "grandma has to leave because mom and dad are making her, but I know you want to be held my her forever." She also trash talks her daycare parents for parenting decisions while she holds him, or talks about her sexual exploits with men she meets on Plenty of Fish. I usually sit there and grit my teeth, but there was a particular event that had a vein popping out of my head this past weekend...As she held him, she talked about spanking. She knows I was severely physically abused as a child, by the way. Not only does she talk about spanking, she talks about how not spanking is bad. She told me that one of her daycare parents would not spank their child, and she taught them how to "administer" it. I began to feel sick to my stomach. I wanted to scream but instead I said, "You should not punish. You should discipline. And you should not discipline angry. You should leave the room and calm down before doing so." To which she said, "No. Sometimes you have to punish angry. I do so and I hate to do it. I will tell the kids afterward I hate doing it, but you have to." She continued holding my son. I wanted to ask for him back. I guess I did not because due to my abuse, I cannot speak up. But I felt so anxious I went to the bathroom to breathe.After about an hour, she left. She left after discussing in depth the men she makes out with, while implying that I am not sexually pure for sleeping with my husband, my only partner, before marriage. She has gotta be self aware that she is being terrible, but by the way she kissed and hugged me goodbye, I don't think she is.That night I had a full blown anxiety attack. I told my husband that I would not let anyone touch my child, ever. I told him that after all I have been through, I cannot spank and feel good about it. I told him how disturbed I was. My husband, who listened, sympathized but did not fully understand. He did not understand why I was so triggered. He thought I was overreacting. Since then, he has downplayed the incident. He says he will do damage control next time, but it seems it is just to make me happy. In other words, he doesn't seem to think she was that wrong.I don't know what to do. I feel violated that she came to my house and disrespected me while holding my child. I feel resentful that I always give her respect and as a result don't stand up for myself. I am also resentful of my husband. Since we had the baby, I have felt so good about our marriage that I wanted to renew our vows. After the incident, I don't want to anymore. As long as he downplays what happened, I just don't feel like he understands me. He knows how badly I was abused.Anyway. This was long and probably emotional and kind of creepy. I am sorry for that. Any input would be appreciated. I am feeling better, by the way. But I won't forget how she made me feel.Edit: Officially crossposted to r/justnomil via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2PYss3J
No comments:
Post a Comment