Trying hard, but constantly failing

I don't know if my daughter is particularly difficult or if its something in me that doesnt have the patience I thought I did.I'm sure its no surprise here that every kid knows how to push their parents buttons, like they can look into your very soul and press that big red button you manage to keep hidden from everyone else.My daughter just turned 3 this June. She has always been a pretty sensitive kid - she didnt sleep much as a baby. From the age of about 4 months to 1 year, she progressed from sleeping in half hour - 45 minute bursts to sleeping until 1am and then being awake for 4 hours and then going back to bed. We lived with my father in law and my mother (long story) at this time, in my father in laws house while our house was being renovated. I turned very much into a person I didnt like - short tempered, irritable, I did not want to be touched because I was 'touched out' by my daughter.Fast forward to now, and we also have a 4 month old. We're back in our house. My eldest is older, smarter. She is beautiful, and she cracks me up. She is a wonderful little human being who exhibits great empathy and caring for the people in her life. She absolutely adores her little sister. But when she has a meltdown, its absolutely fucking nuclear and its always, seemingly, for me. And I try and try and try to hold onto my temper. I talk to her calmly. I compromise, I reason, I'm firm, I'm relaxed - I've tried it all. None of it seems to work, longterm. And every two weeks or so we will have a massive blowup and I run out of tether and I turn into that person I dont like again. Except this time it's me reacting to being screamed at, directly in my face, or being slapped, or having things thrown at me, being kicked. And I just want her to do something I've asked her to do a hundred times, every which way.Sometimes I yell back, sometimes I'm too rough in getting her to go somewhere or do things. I have smacked her once or twice, on her bottom, and each time I tell myself I cant do that again, I wont do that again. I don't want to be the kind of person that smacks. I dont want to be that parent.Tonight, she was screaming over pyjamas, of course. I need her to just go to the toilet so I can put on her pull-up and we can go to bed. we're going to read two stories and have a cuddle. I say, if she cant go to the toilet then we cant read any stories. And that was it, like pulling a pin. She screams, she throws her clothes, she smacks at me. I manage to calm her down enough to convince her to go to the toilet, but she wants to put her pyjamas on first. I say she can put the top on but not the pants because she has to go the toilet and also pull ups. (In hindsight, I realise I should have just let her put the pants on to just go to the toilet, and then I wonder how many times I'm just supposed to give in until I make a doormat of myself - where is the happy medium?) Cue the second part of the meltdown. I ask her to please be quiet going up the hallway because her sister is asleep and she's going to wake her. She screeches that she wont be quiet, she doesnt care if she wakes her sister up, and then proceeds to scream louder. She goes to the toilet. She screams at me to go away, but also to help her on the toilet. We go to the bathroom to wash her hands. I pull her sleeves up. She pulls them down. I ask her to please pull her sleeves up. And then she half does and then begins screaming incoherently about something else. By that point, I've had it. I get soap on my hands and wash hers, and then hold her in my lap while I brush her teeth, against her thrashing and screaming. She screams that I didnt let her have her turn to brush her teeth. I hand her the toothbrush. She throws it across the bath room.In her bedroom, she gets into bed. More screaming. She wants a story. I say no story because she has behaved badly. She wants cuddles. I say I'll cuddle you when you stop screaming. More screaming. I go to shut her bedroom door so she wont wake her sister. Louder screaming. I open it back up! But now she's screaming because SHE wants to open it back up! I lose my temper, I push her back into bed. She's kicking at me, screaming. Hitting me with her teddy. I'm yelling, pushing her to lay back down. She smacks me in the face, across my cheek. And I smack her back, on the cheek. Not hard, but enough that it stops her tantrum, and it immediately sends me into the deepest pool of shame. I pull her into my lap and hold her, and I apologise.But I hate myself. How does a person even get to this point? Do other parents feel this way, lose their temper this way or is there genuinely something wrong with me?I want to change, I'm working on changing. I don't want her to think back and see me as a horrible mother. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2tsekWV