So, I'm writing this just after sending him a text wherein I communicated that a.) I was very happy to see him so happy lately! (I am! And he has been, which is kinda new!) and b.) to remind him to reach out and text/call our daughter more often so she can stay feeling close to him.It's been 5 days since he's seen her and he hasn't so much as texted to check on her and ask how she is.I'm trying to maintain an awareness of why it bothers me so much, because I don't want to just bitch and whine and blame mindlessly—and I think a part of it is projection.I had a really bad relationship with my abusive father, who I don't speak with anymore.Conversely, my kid's dad is really a sweet, gentle, playful, fun and silly dad. He's someone my daughter feels like she can cuddle up on and feel safe with (for the most part,) which I have NEVER had in my life with my own dad or any father-figure, so that's something that I want my daughter to be able to maintain with her dad.The thing is, he takes such a passive role in her life. We're supposed to have her 50/50 but it's more like 75/25 right now. He is always busy with something, be it grad school, teaching, his band, or his girlfriend. (He's 32 and his hardcore band is like a major player in his life right now. He will even skip days he's scheduled to be with her in order to play shows.)Growing up, he was pretty much raised by his grandparents while his parents (who are very sweet people, especially his dad who is pretty much my adoptive dad at this point) did their own thing, whatever that might be. At the end of the day, the grandparents were always available, and he was "fine" with them, so the parents could do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted to, pretty much. (His dad has communicated that he regrets this a lot, since he missed making memories with his son. His mom is whatever about it.)Now, my ex-husband is repeating this patter with our daughter, and I'm just not sure what to do about it or IF I should do anything about it.Part of me feels like maybe I should just let go and let the natural consequences come of this. She has me, she has a close relationship with all her grandparents, she's a great kid, etc.But then part of me wants to advocate for her...I want her to feel wanted by her dad, because that has to be SO important. I want her to have special memories of him.I also want her to be happy when it's time to go to him. As of right now, she cries and clings to me and you can tell that she feels like she's going to a strangers house sometimes when she goes to him. She warms up very quickly, but I hate that for her.This morning I sent him that text and his response was very negative, along the lines, "I love that you always make me feel guilty and shitty right before I have to do something like teach class. Thanks! That's great!"I know him, and I know in a few hours he'll come back and apologize for that...and I totally understand his angry response and am not offended by it because I mean, I get it. It feels shitty to be told (or to face the fact that) you aren't doing well enough in an area of your life that's really important to you.I don't really know what to do, though. Let it go? Let him have the natural consequence of her growing up and saying the same things about him that he said about his dad? ("He wasn't around much, and when he was, we only did things he wanted to do and not things I wanted to do.")Or is it better for me to advocate for her more? She has to spend time with him, and I want her to take as much joy in it as she does going to grandparents' houses. As it stands, she finds joy in all the places she stays, except with dad.I don't even care really if he takes her more. I don't mind having her more nights/days. But just texting/calling more would be great, or sending her little things (a letter in the mail, maybe)—just little things to kind of show up in her life more so she can really get that sense that daddy misses me and wants me.I'm open to being totally off here, though. Maybe I'm just high strung about it.tl;dr: My ex-husband (5 y.o. daughter's dad) takes a passive role in her life. He doesn't take her all the nights he's supposed to have her in lieu of doing stuff with his band, or because of grad school/work things, or his girlfriend. When he's apart from our daughter, he doesn't so much as text/call on his own to check on her or to reach out and connect with her. He's a dad when he "has" to be but doesn't take much initiative beyond that. He gets upset with me if I bring it up. I'm kind of at a loss if I should just let it go or keep advocating for my daughter to have a close relationship with her dad. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2qH9wfW
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