I've failed as a parent and have only my pride to blame.

I am completely overwhelmed. Though I have not hidden the fact that I am struggling, I've worked hard to maintain a stoic outward appearance. The steadily building pressure of stress, worry and regret has my sanity ready to burst at the seams. I am being held together by a mere thread that is sure to break soon. My heart is in tatters and my spirit threadbare.I have failed my children. And while it would be easy to blame my current situation on fate or bad luck or poor health or the entire damn universe for that matter, the truth is I blame myself.I blame my pride.I am their mother. I have been their provider, their comforter, their supporter, their fixer of all things until now.I am a single mom to four amazing souls - two 19 year old boys who live outside the home (one, a sophomore in college, the other an apprentice electrician); a 17 year old daughter who is a senior in high school; and a 12 year old son who has Asperger Syndrome (high functioning on the autism spectrum). Their father is a touring musician who sporadically contributes minimal financial support and can rarely be bothered to offer emotional support. We divorced nearly two years ago after 23 years of marriage.The first year on our own was rough but we got by. The emotional aspect of such a huge life change was far more taxing than the financial. I am a baker by trade and had built up my business enough to provide for the children on my own. It was hard but we were getting by and slowly settling into our new normal. We moved into an apartment, traded down my vehicle, cut corners where we could but otherwise lived comfortably within our means.I was proud of us.I was proud of me!Today everything has changed - I am two months behind on rent, our utilities are going to be disconnected any day and our car is a week away from repossession. And it is all because of my pride.August 7 of last year everything changed. I collapsed while working and was taken to the ER. My heart rhythm was irregular and I was in heart failure. Our small town hospital was not equip to properly care for me so I was transferred to a heart hospital in a nearby large city. After a battery of tests, two episodes of ventricular fibrillation and a cardiac catherization I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and ventricular arrhythmia. I was in and out of the hospital over the course of a month and after trial and error the doctors found a combination of medications that worked for me. Although I was feeling better I was told there was a chance I never return to work.Refusing to give up on the progress we had made since the divorce I did return to work and pushed myself harder than ever to prove that I could and would provide for my children. It took 8 months for my body to rebel and begin to shut down and I was once again back in the hospital. This time I was told I could not return to work.Everything started to unravel and here I am, my thoughts in such a tangle I don't even know where to begin.I have applied for disability but the process is slow going. I have applied for and received food stamps which helps immensely. My children know things are bad but I have kept from them just how dire the situation is. We are about to be evicted, our utilities turned off and our car taken away.I need to sit them down and tell them the truth so they are prepared but I can't bring myself to do it.What is stopping me?My pride....my damn pride. via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2cwVjLA