Need to get this out about being unable to breastfeed my baby.

I am a good mom. I love my baby. I love my 2 kids I already have. I was only ever able to successfully breastfeed my first child. Even then, I wasn't able to EBF, but at least I was able to breastfeed for 9 months.With my 2nd baby, I had a really rough pregnancy with her and it carried over to the the aftercare. I ended up getting thrush and to avoid giving it to my baby I started just pumping the milk. But I couldn't pump enough. At all. And it killed me inside. I would pump for hours, just sobbing and pumping, feeling like a total POS and awful parent. Finally I couldn't handle it anymore and just stopped pumping and she went on exclusive formula.This time around the pregnancy went really smoothly. I had an elective c-section with tubal ligation that went great. I thought that maybe since the pregnancy had gone so great that the post partum would as well. And it has for the most part. I am so lucky that my baby boy was born without issue. He was the biggest baby of the three. I had really high hopes of EBF. Unfortunately, his latching and my milk supply don't agree :( He lost 10% of his body weight from birth and no matter how often I feed him he doesn't gain weight. He has a really small mouth and just can't seem to open it fully. As a result my nipples are torn up and so painful and he was dehydrated. The doctor didn't want me to stop breastfeeding but did suggest supplementing.However, past experience has told me that this will turn into PPD. To avoid that, I am just stopping now, while I still have my mental wits about me. It's so hard though. Logically I know this is the best option but it is so hard. I know my baby will still love me and not hold it against me, but me holding it against me is a whole other ball game. Physically my body is telling me that I have to do this. And mentally I want to do this.But what is best for my baby, me and my family is not me sobbing for hours on end in pain. It's feeding my baby, whether it be formula or breast milk. It's holding him and looking at his adorable not dehydrated, jaundiced face and bonding. It's going for walks with my family and laughing and having a great time with them while on maternity leave. And it's going to the 2 week appointment with a happy, healthy baby.I needed to write this out to help me process it so thanks everyone for listening! via /r/Parenting http://ift.tt/2dkQQND