Trying to coparent for 4 years now, need advice!!!

So I need advice. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My son is 4 years old, and I have been his custodial parent all 4 years. His dad wanted to have a child, but when I broke up with him shortly after our son was born, he did not continue to be a father. He moved to and from california twice to "find himself." He was at my sons first birthday party but not at his second or third. He has not taken any interest in his life, his health, activities, daycare, school, etc. He also has not paid any child support in 4 years - partially my fault for not going to court for it. Idiotically, I was trying to do the right thing by not making him pay child support and instead trying to convince him to be a parent to his child for 4 years. Throughout these 4 years, I have kept the door wide open for him. His family has been very involved in our sons life. For most of the 4 years, my son would go to his family's house for at least one weekend out of the month, whether or not his dad was there. I was trying to give my son time with his dad and his family and was hoping that with time my sons dad would step up. Over time, however, I realized that his family enables him to be a half ass dad. If he wants to lift a finger when my son is there, he can, but if he doesnt feel like it, he doesnt have to. Everyone else picks up and always has picked up the slack for him. Also, throughout the years I have tried extending many olive branches to him in hopes of building a bridge. Each time I thought progress was made, he burned the bridge once realizing -again, again, and again- that I did not want to be with him. In the past, he has not shown any interest in being a father to his child unless we are a "family." He has shared with me that if it weren't for his family that he wouldn't have any type of relationship with his son at all and wouldn't reach out. He even told me that a part of him has resentment for our son because of the hurt I have put him through. All in all, he has always put himself before our son. He has verbally and emotionally abused me over the years, threatened and harassed me. When my son was 2 years old I had a temporary restraining order put on him, but I backed out of it because of pressure from his family, and because I didnt want to burn his bridge with his son. Because of our tumultuous relationship and inability to communicate in a healthy way, I have always mostly communicated with his grandmother and the rest of the family regarding visits. However, as of late, I have gotten into so many arguments and conflict with his grandmother and other members of the family, that I decided I dont want my son going to their home unless I'm in communication with his dad. After all, my son never actually wants to go there, so why force him if it's not his dad asking for him? After I made this decision, the entire family came for my head saying I had no right to make this decision and that I was basically a controlling monster. I reached out to my sons father via text and Facebook that I wanted to communicate with him directly regarding visits, but I didnt get a response. After a very emotional and heated dispute with the grandmother, I decided to attempt to talk to my sons father in person. I went to go speak with him and was met with gaslighting and more emotional/verbal abuse. When I broke down crying, the conversation became somewhat more productive and he agreed to go to counseling with me to learn how to better communicate and agreed he would communicate with me directly regarding visits. A week and a half later after this conversation, he decided he does not want to do counseling, and says that all we have to communicate about is a visiting schedule for our son and that's it. At this point, he is threatening to take me to court. And honestly, I'm scared because this is illinois and fathers rights are taken seriously here. I have never tried to take our son away from him, all I have ever wanted was for him to be there for his child. Now that I have set boundaries and I am trying to set a higher standard, I am being chastised and threatened with court by him and the family. I dont want to bring this to court, but I dont know how to communicate with someone like him. Do I have a right to demand that he is the one that picks our son up and drops him off for visits - not other members of his family? Do I have a right to demand he communicates with me about visits and a schedule? I just want him to prove he wants to be a father and cares about his child, as he has proven otherwise in the past. I'm trying to protect my child from emotional hurt, but am being told that I am the one that will be causing him all the pain. I feel confused and could use input from outsiders, possibly with similar experiences. Please be kind. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2PIUFxR