tldr: I had an accidental pregnancy when I was 17. She kept the baby and I was barely involved in his life. He’s 15 now and his mother was a horrible parent. Not abusive at all, but taught him nothing about how to function as an adult, and couldn’t handle the consequences of her inaction.She kicked him out. He came to me. He can’t adhere to the most basic house rules. I don’t feel totally comfortable stepping into an overly authoritative role, because I barely know him. But something must be done. The situation is becoming untenable.When I was 17, I got a girl pregnant over a spring break trip.I’m not proud of this, but I completely copped out. I checked out, I wanted no part of it. My parents were glad I wanted no part of it. They happily sent child support checks for me so the kid could be taken care of without my having to be distracted from college or having a “normal” family down the line.Around 19-20 I had matured some, and it started weighing on me that I wasn’t involved in the kid’s life and I tried to rectify my many, many mistakes. But I had no idea what I was doing, quickly got overwhelmed, and backed away once again.At 25 I had done a lot of growing up, therapy, had a good job, and felt ready to be a part of his life again (or, for the first time really). But at that point his mother had a steady boyfriend who had taken on a fatherly role and I felt like a third wheel. My presence felt forced and it seemed like I was disrupting a good family dynamic and needlessly complicating his life.I was also, to be honest, not sure having me around was best for him. I’ve got my own issues and figured he’d dodged a bullet not having me to deal with. And he was a stranger to me. I basically figured hey, I don’t really know this woman at all, she raised this kid, I don’t know him at all, and I officially tapped out.There were definitely things about the way she was raising him I disagreed with along the way, but I figured unless I’m going to take an active role, it’s not really my place to say anything.Those were the only times I saw him besides going to a few milestone events (he was on a sports team that made it to a state championship game, his middle school had a graduation ceremony, stuff like that but totaled 3-4 times and was very stiff and uncomfortable every time. He was always happier her boyfriend of the moment came than me. And that was fine by me, I was glad really. You know, that he had someone.)He’s 15 now, and several weeks ago, he contacted me asking if he could come stay here. I was shocked but of course said yes, anticipating it was a “can I come stay here for a week” sort of thing. Got older and was curious about me.No. It was not. He’s here because his mother kicked him out of the house. I’ve checked and that’s definitely not legal. But whatever, there’s no way I’m sending him back into the situation he left.I’ve talked to her at length since he arrived trying to get a sense of the situation (obviously my first thought when I realized he wasn’t just here for a visit was does she know where he is, does he have permission to be traveling here, etc.) and as far as I can tell, she ignored every building block of good parenting. We’ve also started to unpack a bit of this in counseling.What she and he described was the most inconsistent and unpredictable mess I could’ve imagined. It was a bit like I thought I’d observed when I’d visited, but worse. I’ll just bullet the key things.-Certain things are against the rules, but not when she’s in a good mood.-Opposite also true. Certain things are allowed, but not when she’s in a bad mood.-Crazy overhauls of house rules and schedules. “We’re vegans now. I’m throwing out all the non vegan food. You ate chicken at school? You’re in big trouble” “I’ve given up on being vegan it wasn’t affordable/tasty/it was an Internet myth” when he was younger “Ten minutes of TV a day. I’m busy this week, watch as much as you want. HEY I said 30 minutes you’re in trouble.”-He started to fall behind in school and her response every time was to switch him to a new school. You can imagine how this worked out, socially and academically. He’s been at 4 schools since sixth grade.I do not know what I’m doing. He’s a nightmare. He’s mouthy, he’s inconsiderate of the house, he doesn’t respect even the most basic rules I put in place, but obviously he’s in pain and hasn’t known how to act any other kind of way.I don’t know where to start or what to do. I’ve read books and articles but they’re written for people who have known and raised the kid and have a rapport with them, not a virtual stranger.Any advice on how to bring him under control and get him to accept some help beyond the weekly counseling he begrudgingly agreed to would be a godsend. None of my friends have teenage kids.I’ve considered calling my parents to come stay for a week or two since they raised four boys, but that feels unfair to them. This really isn’t their responsibility to raise my kids. I’m lost.Edit: I just want to clarify that when I say he’s a nightmare, I mean behaviorally and functionally. As a person, I don’t know much about him, but he’s my son and whatever he is I love him. That’s not a question on the table. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/351cjC0
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