26(F) Alone with 4 year old - CANT MANAGE ANYMORE (Estranged from family and sons father is dead) Help.

Frankly, I’m not sure where else to put this anymore.I’m 26 and have been on my own since I was 16. I come from an abusive family and have no intention of rekindling relationships.I have a 4 year old son. He is absolutely incredible, smart and kind.His dad was hit by a drunk driver three years ago. He also did not come from the best family but, they were at least present. They aren’t very fond of me so they haven’t played a role in my sons life at all. Long story short, there’s witnesses saying he was intentionally trying to be hit, I had broken up with him 6mo prior and his mom blamed me for him killing him self. I don’t know the truth to anything. Besides that I totally fucked up by breaking up with him.I’ve been alone with my son this ENTIRE TIME. I work from home at night when he goes to sleep and I’m with him during the day. I hardly get a babysitter unless absolutely necessary. It’s expensive. Preschool costs as much as my rent and I don’t qualify for assistance. (I’m close to kindergarten tho). No one ever visits unless I go to them, much less help me. (I live about 3 hrs from everyone) No one calls. No one asks about anything regarding him, much less me.I have a SERIOUS history with mental health issues. Like almost an embarrassing amount of problems, hospitalizations etc.Lately it’s to the point that I don’t wanna get out of bed in the morning - and I won’t. For hours. Then I’ll find my way back into it for hours. (My kid is watching tv 24/7 and I feel like a piece of SHIT) and when he wants to play or talk to me, I have zero interest. I wake up angry. Im constantly thinking about suicide. I’m fucking MISERABLE. Zero desire to wanna get up for anything. I hardly even motivate myself to work anymore which has gotten me in some serious debt. This isn’t what I wanted. I’ve struggled without family growing up but the aspect of having a kid has been making this unbearable. I have no friends either. Like seriously 100% alone. I don’t want to be alone with him. I don’t want to do this. At all. And no one gets it because most single moms are bitching about their baby daddy’s and have a ton of family support and I’m sitting here wishing mine was still here to give me any type of relief from all this responsibility.I’ve auto piloted through the last three years and over the last six months I’ve hit a major depressive episode. I feel like my son would be better off if I just signed my rights over to his dads family, where he could have holidays full of people, where he could have a family unit and a LIFE outside of just having me (who is constantly unhappy anyway)I feel like shit because my parents abandoned me and I would never want him to feel abandoned by me. The more time that goes by, the more selfish it feels to keep him. And I feel like no one understands that.I don’t really know what I’m looking for here...most of this is rambled. Maybe just an “it’s ok to give up” lol. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2NaVeQ3