I’m a shit parent

I’m a single mother of two boys. I have PTSD from childhood sexual assault and I’m a horrible mother but I can’t tell anyone because when I try I get told “oh no, your a good mother” but I know I’m complete shit.My oldest is now 5, youngest is 2. My oldest has ADHD and is underweight and my youngest was premature. Every day I’m on edge, they fight constantly. Hitting, biting, scratching, throwing toys ect. I put them in time out, let them freak tf out and when they calm down I have them apologize and ten minutes later they do it again. I yell a lot, I swear and say “fuck,shit, god dammit” I spank sometimes, usually when blood is drawn during their fights, or they do something dangerous. It’s not hard enough to bruise, but afterwards I wanna cry because I feel like shit. I’ve smack mouths when my oldest bites, he’ll bite hard enough to draw blood or bruise you. When they climb on me I feel my heart race, my skin feels clammy and I feel like I’m suffocating and I try to ignore it until I gotta get up and remove myself. I put myself in time outs when that happens, my place is baby proof galore. 3 gates, all outlets covered, corners covered ect so it’s long enough to smoke a cig. My oldest is underweight, I have done the healthy fats, I’ve hidden them in smoothies, milkshakes, junk food. Idk what I’m doing wrong, he won’t eat. Lately I’ve given up, gotten him to eat half of his food and then put the rest in the fridge for later. It’s so stressful because idk what to do and his pediatrician ignores my concerns. Sometimes when they wrestle and my oldest is on top my youngest I feel that spike of panic, when they scream really loud I feel it, when they’re playing and they try to keep me from moving or get between me and the hot stove I feel it. The yelling, spanking, swearing, not being able to get my oldest to gain weight, make me a shit mom. I’m so scared I’m gonna be like my mother, that every thing I do will damage them and make them fucked up like me. I’m in counseling, I’ve told her this but I feel like shit even though she’s said I’m not. Idk how to be a good mom. I want them to be better than me, I want them to have a future be go somewhere in life. I just got a biopsy done last week, idk if it’s playing with my emotions but I’ve been so frazzled since then. I’m sorry for ramblingEdit: I’ve been emotional since my colonoscopy biopsy, idk if I just had a “mommy stress moment” or what. I have the tendency to put everything on my shoulders, and hold myself to a higher standard and when I make a mistake I’m harsh on myself. My kids are great and I love them, they are polite, friendly, funny and my world. I’m not a perfect mom, I’m working on my issues and trying to find ways to make sure my boys succeed when they are someday men. I felt better after I wrote this rambling mess and thank you for reading it and giving advice. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2PFEfJ5