Anger Management/ punishment

Hey all. Wife and I have 2 boys, 3 and 5 YO. 5 YO has some anxiety and emotional regulation issues. He’s in school under an IEP and getting some help that way and has visits with an OT.We have lots of trouble despite our best efforts and we’ve been fraying apart. We have tried time out, toy time out, taking breaks, taking breaths, asking how would you feel, how does that make others feel, “time in” (time out but engaged in discussion about subject), ignoring... we also try to praise the good l, using words, nice words, asking, good jobs, and more.We have spent years wanting to do no spanking. We know the research. We don’t dispute that and we try to teach that problems aren’t solved with hittingThat said, wife has done some spanking on and off, seldom as she can manage, SAHM, but it’s so hard to stay sane sometimes. 3yo is often easier, doesn’t seem to have the anxiety and emotional struggles like 5yo does.5 will push his way by people on the stairs even though he knows it isn’t safe. Will push people out of the way even though it’s not his turn or whatever. Hits, screams, argues, even after being talked to calmly, and then if it keeps going we start losing it.We’re on vacation right now. My wife spanked 5 once one morning because he was screaming about not wanting to make his bed and other families are sleeping in same house. Similar story a 2nd morning. I have also now spanked him once and then he was hitting 3yo, his little bro, and I (tried to do it lightly) slapped his cheek. I didn’t think it was hard but he shrieked and it left a red mark for a little while. I feel really bad about that but I don’t understand I guess because I didn’t think I did it hard. More trying to get attention than really slap. It wasn’t done in real anger or rage or anything.Anyhow. We are losing it. I can’t get into a professional right now but I would love some help please. We know spanking is the wrong approach and we don’t even want to but we are losing our cool I think faster now. Suggestions? What works for you?Thanks for listening and for all insights you provide. via /r/Parenting https://ift.tt/2Jq3rNf